Ask

If you know anyone who suffers from GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), or any type of anxiety, ask them about the voice in their head. Ask them to tell you, in a storytelling kind of way, how that voice controls their lives. 

How that voice speaks to them in condescending ways, how it tramples on their self-esteem and self-worth but yet that is the only voice they listen to. The only voice they believe with unwavering conviction.

Ask them too, about all that noise they hear in the confined space between their ears. It's very noisy in there. Because thoughts are almost always racing. Every thought is fighting for attention, yet every thought gets shoved aside to make way for other thoughts. The noise in there is deafening. 

If you're able to comprehend that.

While you're at it, ask them too about their innate ability to live in a separate world, yet seemingly firmly rooted and present in this one. For some, they live in that world more than this. It's not easy to leave, and it gets lonely. 

You have to ask, cause you wouldn't understand it if you were to make your own conclusion.  

Forget it, you might not get it even with lengthy explanation.

Whatever you do, don't ask about how depressed all these things are making them feel. You might make them cry.

It's a GAD thing.

#oneofthosedays

Tengok wayang, gelabah, gigil, etc.

Ni nak bagi tau... sesiapa yang ada masalah kemurungan macam I, jangan gatal-gatal pegi tengok wayang citer Cinderella, hokay? Hahaha! Banyak babak-babak menyentuh perasaan gitu... kejap-kejap rasa nak meleleh airmata. Tapi I kena tahan you... sebab I pegi bawak my eldest daughter, HS dengan kawan-kawan dia 4 orang. Malu la nak nangis kan? Kang budak2 tu kata "over la aunty ni". Itu pun takpe lagi. Buatnya diorang balik citer kat mak-pak masing2, tak ke malu I? Tengok citer fairytale Disney pun nangis. Ngahahaha!

Anyway, just nak story. Sebenarnya malam sebelum tu I tak boleh tidur. Tak tau lah kenapa. Padahal mengantuk, menguap2 lagi tapi tak boleh lelap. Last2 dah dekat pukul 4 baru dapat lelap. Tu pun, dah nasib, 3 kali dikejutkan anak lepas tu. Rasa nak naik hangin tahap puting-beliung tapi sabar je lah. Redha. Tau-tau dah siang. Hmmph! Tak sampai 2 jam pun tidur. Tu pun putus2.

Mula lah nervous. Camno nak bawak budak2 ni tengok wayang ni? I tau, kalau I tak cukup tidur macam tu memang for sure I akan kena anxiety attack at some point. Tapi dah janji. Budak2 tu pun dah siap seawal pukul 9 pagi sedangkan kite dah pesan, aunty datang jemput antara pukul 10 dan 10:30. Tengok2 pukul 9 dah call, aunty kat mana? Sabor le yang oii... aunty baru nak breakfast!

Dek I tak yakin nak bawak budak2 tu tanpa seorang lagi orang dewasa teman, maka cik abang pun setuju nak temankan. Syukurrr sangat-sangat! Ye lah, nak bawak anak2 orang kan? Kang kalau apa2 jadi kang...

Nasib baik jugak la cik abang ikut. Sehabis2 je wayang lebih kurang pukul 1.15pm, I dah rasa nak kena anxiety attack. Sebabnya, perut kosong. I ni bukan jenis yang suka makan popcorn (atau apa2 saja) masa tengok wayang. Jadinya by the time wayang habis, perut dah pedih. Dan itulah suis anxiety attack I.

Dah rasa lain macam tapi I diamkan je. Ingat nak terus pi makan, dah la budak2 tu nak singgah toilet dulu. Maklum, masing2 dah tonggang iced lemon tea sebekas sorang, kantong dah takleh tampung hehehe. After all that, barulah we made our way ke ground floor cari tempat nak makan. Dalam kumpulan kawan2 anak I ni, ada sorang tu tak reti makan western so kitorang pun singgah la satu restoran malay cuisine ni. Orang ramai, but what did you expect? Hari Ahad. Weekend crowd.

I nak order cepat2. Budak2 ni belek menu macam tengok catalog... slow nye! Last2 I pun sound kat diorang, cepat sikit decide. Bila dah abis order, satu ujian plak menunggu makanan sampai. Lambatnyeee rasa. Sebenarnya takde lah lambat mana, reasonable lah kan orang ramai? Tapi I yg tengah bergelut dengan perasaan yang tak mampu dikawal ni, terasa tersangat laaahhh lambatnya. Tangan dah start gigil, mata dah rasa berpinar2, fikiran dah tak focus apa2 dah melainkan perasaan sendiri dan fikiran yang bercelaru. Ya Allah... help me!

Dan seperti kebiasaan kalau makan kedai "orang kita" (jangan sangkal sbb I dah byk kali kena ok? berlainan tempat tapi pe'el yg sama), hantar makanan tapi sudu garpunya tak hantar. I dah takleh tunggu so I pun bangun nak pi ambik sendiri lah konon sbb nampak macam ada tempat letak cutlery. Owhh... bukan rupanya. Dalam tu cuma ada senduk2 pelbagai rupa. Aarrghh! Mintak kat waiter. Waiter pun masuk dalam, sekejap lagi keluar dengan segenggam sudu-garpu. I pun happy, tapi ehh... dia singgah lak kat kaunter. Rupanya singgah nak lap dulu. Dia pun mulalah mengelap kesemua sudu dan garpu tu satu.... satu.... satu.... Aaaarrgghhhhh!! Cepat la bang oiii... aku dah gigil nak pitam dah rasanya ni.

Bila sudu sampai, I pun melompat lah amik, nak cepat2 isi perut sebelum kegelabahan ni menjadi bertambah serious. Tapi chup! Takleh makan lagi. Nak kena tolong carik2kan ayam utk anak I yg "special" itu dan jugak ayam dalam pinggan cik abang. Haa... sure you all heran, nape cik abang tak buat sendiri? Ni lah baru nak mention bahawa I bawak anak no.3 yg umur 4 tahun tu. Dia tak sehat tapi terpaksa bawak sbb dia clingy kalau sakit. Takut maid takleh handle. Kejam kan? Tapi terpaksa, sbb I pun ada penyakit. Ibarat telan mati mak, luah mati bapak. Anyway, dia nak berdokong sepanjang masa dengan ayahnya so ayahnya tak boleh nak guna both hands utk makan. So I lah yg terpaksa dulukan suami dan anak2.

Percaya tak? I potong2 dan carik2 ayam dengan tangan yang menggigil2. Kalau korang tak pernah tengok cemana org yang kena anxiety/panic attack, cer cari kat YouTube. Ramai gak diorang ni yang rekod dan upload keadaan diorang masa kena attack.

Last sekali, baru lah I dapat makan setelah settlekan semua orang. Biasa lah, kita mak2 ni memang selalu makan last kan? I suap makanan ke mulut dengan tangan yang bergegar2, heran jugak diorang sorang pun tak perasan my struggle time tu. Cik abang pun tak perasan. Lapor sangat kut.... husnuzon hahahah! Alhamdulillah, by the time habis makan, perasaan gelabah dan takut tu beransur2 hilang. Tapi tangan gigil tu lama jugak nak berenti. Masa berangkat dari kedai makan tu, tangan I masih menggigil2.

I dah sabar2 nak balik sebenarnya. Syukur ada alasan kukuh, si kecik tak sehat. Walaupun sebenarnya mak si kecik tu yang tak sehat, tak sabar2 nak balik berehat. Fyi, hampir semua org yang ada GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) ni tak suka tempat2 awam terutama yang ramai orang. Sekejap boleh, tapi akan sampai satu tahap yang I akan rasa yang I must go back to my own comfy zone where I can be myself. Walaupun sekadar duduk dalam kereta dekat parking lot! Rasanya bila dah masuk kereta tu lah baru tangan I berhenti menggigil. Dah lega sbb dah masuk familiar surrounding dan tak payah buat2 ok. Phew!

Maka berangkatlah kami menghantar budak2 tu balik ke rumah masing2 mcm van sekolah dah rasa. Tapi ada lagi ujian menunggu, one of them muntah dalam kereta. Elok2 sampai rumah dia plak tu. Kalau I cepat 10 saat je sikit, mungkin dia boleh muntah kat luar, not in the car. Geram lah jugak sbb kalau dah rasa mual2, nape tak cakap? Boleh la bagi plastik atau berenti tepi jalan muntah kat luar kan? Tapi takkan nak marah anak orang plak kan? Ni misti kes minum chocolate milk shake kat restoran tadi. Haishh!

Satu kerja lah pulak kami membersihkan kereta kat tepi jalan tu. Mujur ada bawa wet tissue, dan teramat syukur ada cik abang sayang I. Sebab without him, tak tau lah cemana nak bersihkan kereta tu sbb I ni jenis tak boleh tengok org muntah, apatah lagi muntahnye tu. I pun boleh termuntah dibuatnya tau. Karpet yg terkena muntah tu kami lap ala2 kadar je dgn wet tissue, lepas tu pindahkan masuk ke boot kereta. Taknak terbau... kang muntah I youuuuu! Tunggu balik rumah je lah pancut dengan air.

By the end of the day, setelah ke-empat2 anak2 orang tu kami hantar pulang, I rasa tersangat lega dan lapang dada. Baru lah mood improve sikit. Sebelum tu memang rasa nak telan orang je tapi cover dgn muka manis. Taknak spoil the outing with my foul mood. Kesian budak2 tu nanti esp. my daughter.

Rasanya in future, nak organise lagi tak outing gini? Of course! Demi anak pompuan I yang truly special itu. This disease is my battle, not hers. Why should she have to pay for it kan? Cuma satu je... taknak lagi bawak budak yang muntah tu. Hahahahah! Gurau je... diorang 5 sekawan, takkan nak exclude sorang plak.

I'm not mean. I'm kind, like that.

The [Not So] Great Pretender

Motherhood is tough.

And for weak, whiny me, it is much tougher.

How do some women make it look so easy?? Are they always ever so healthy and cheerful? Do they really have time to pamper themselves? Cause some of them looked, well... pampered.

Let me just admit it straight and frank, how it is for me on most days.

There is an average of 30 days in a month. Out of that, at least one whole week of each month is a goner. That would be the time when Aunt Flo comes visiting, and she's one hell of an imposing visitor. I'd be down and weak, bloated and in pain most of the time that the only thing I want to do is lie down and never have to get up for anything. For anything! It is the time when I wish for meals in bed, and that toilet visits can be put off indefinitely! It is a time of abdominal pains, backaches and foul moods. And little sleep too, cause these pains seem to worsen at night.

Of course, meals in bed is just wishful thinking. Not having someone send me meals, almost always result in me delaying taking them and that, in turn, would trigger my gastritis. I would then be dealing with heartburn and more bloating (masuk angin la tu kan?). More pain, yeay!!

As if that's not enough, if you know what heartburn is like, if it gets too bad, it even makes it difficult for you to breathe. You'd feel short of breath and that, ladies and gentlemen, would then set off my anxiety to an overdrive. That's when racing hearts, shaky hands and butter fingers come into the picture, and finally, the climax of the show....anxiety attacks and thoughts of myself dying. Thoughts of DYING. M.A.T.I. How fun is that?

So from a whole week of dealing with AF, I would normally take another 4-5 days or so afterwards to recover from the gastric and anxiety attacks. Let me tell you people, anxiety and panic attacks can shake you to the core! If you have never experienced it, pray that you never will. No matter how much I've learned about it, every attack would still lead me to believe that this is my final moment of life.

Now this whole pattern has been recurring every month for... geez... I don't know how long. Years, at least. And recently, after discovering that I have a thyroid goiter, my anxiety has gotten worse. I had been out of depression for many years before. I was doing pretty well managing my anxiety without medication. But now, I am back on medication and despite that, depression is seeping in. Not cool.

Depression is not cool.

It's a feeling of doom and hopelessness. A feeling of inadequacy, self-disgust, and loneliness. Feeling unwanted and hated. Feeling negatively judged, never good enough to be anybody's company. Feeling like everybody is ganging up against you. And guilt.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Feeling like you are in a separate world of your own. A lonely one.

Depression drains your energy that even waking up in the morning is hard cause you don't feel rested. If it was up to me, I'd be in bed all day. You cry easily, and I've cried every, single day since the depression set in. I have no explanation on why I cried other than the fact that I don't feel good about myself. I don't feel happy. This, despite ALL the crystal clear blessings around me that I am very much aware of.

And do you know what the worst part is? It is putting up the charade that you're all fine and dandy. Presenting the facade of confidence, having all things under complete control. When the truth is, you can feel yourself crumbling inside from the pressures of keeping up with all the pretensions that are not you.

So this is my struggle, every single day. It's one or the other. On days that I can drive in and out running errands, that would be a good day. On any weekends that I can join my family for an outing to the movies or the swimming pool, that would be twice better. But good and better days don't come often. I've had times when I was not feeling well enough (that also means, brave enough) to do any shopping that we totally ran out of food in the fridge. And with much guilt, I had to give my children eat instant noodles. There were also times when I stayed in my room all day that I only saw my children once in the morning, and didn't see them again later in the evening. I left them the whole time with my maid. I'm a homemaker, but homemaking I am not. 

I've also had times of total meltdown where my family was on the receiving end. I've always had a short fuse to begin with, that I admit. But in recent years, I began to notice that I no longer get angry. I get crazy mad followed with a meltdown. I would come out of the episode feeling defeated and extremely guilty for putting my family through all that childishness. But trust me when I say that, sometimes, I just couldn't hold it in.

Wow! Enough confession for now eh?

So back to my first question... how do these seemingly perfect mothers do it? Are they really good at what they do?

Or are they better pretenders?

The Good Son

This is about my wiser-than-his-age son who turns 9 today.

Just 2 nights ago (or was it 3? #foggybrainme) I had a long talk with my son, UZ. But before I start, let me just give a little background of the story.

You see, as I have mentioned in a previous posting, I have GAD. Because of the stress and depression that normally comes with GAD, many people with GAD have a bit of a problem controlling their emotions. And for most of us, anger is the hardest to deal with. For me, I have always had a short fuse to begin with, and this is not unknown within my family circle. Top that up with GAD, I evolve into a different creature altogether lol!

But jokes aside, despite knowing that this would affect my family negatively, I failed many times to keep my temper in check. My kids get scolded regularly. And UZ, being the eldest boy (he has an older sister HS who is within the 'kelainan upaya' category so she gets away with a lot of things), gets most of the the backlashes. I know this, I am very much aware of this, believe me, I've tried so hard... but it is a struggle for me. That, I have to admit.

I struggle with patience, I struggle with putting things into perspective, I struggle with the inability to not sweat the small stuff,  I struggle with my own self-confidence and self-esteem. Trust me, there are many personal struggles within me that if I were to describe how my thoughts are inside my head.... it's like a war zone. A loud, ear-piercing, non-stop battlefield. And I am always living "internally" as oppose to "externally". And that is as frankly as I can put it.

So, back to this conversation with my son... we were getting ready for bedtime and got into small talks. Then he asked me things like "what do you feel when you're angry?", "why are you always angry?" and so on, and so on (tak ingat lah the exact questions but something like those lah). So I told him about my illness, GAD (and thyroid issues, believe it or not?) and that these diseases disrupt my hormones that control a lot of things in my body, including my emotions. And as such, when I get angry over small matters, these hormone imbalance amplifies that anger to a point that sometimes, I just couldn't hold it in. And sadly, I tend to lash out at the people closest to me. My family.

He nodded in a thoughtful thinking expression kind of way. I couldn't tell if he understood me, or if any of these make sense to a 9-year-old. Then I admitted to him that it was a bad habit of mine, and I can't simply justify it with some annoying disease. I must change. I must not TRY to change. I MUST change.

Then I assured him that my being angry at him does not make me love him any less. I told him that I love him immeasurably and that he has no idea how much. UZ is a soft-hearted, sensitive boy. I saw him held back tears while he nodded. I'm a mother, I know exactly the kind of face my boy pulls when he's trying not to cry, and this was THE face. He wouldn't admit it, of course. But I know.

I asked him to tell me whatever was in his mind, to let it all out. I'm all ears, I said. And he proceeded to list out 3 things he wants me to change...

1. To stop scolding him and his siblings (unnecessarily, we later established).
2. To never be harsh with his younger siblings ever again. "They're just kids, they don't know anything". That's what he said.
3. To never argue with dad cause it makes me sad and unhappy.

The thing with me and my better half is that we almost always see things from different angles and we would argue to support our views. It isn't a fight or a squabble, just arguments which sometimes can be quite loud. And then it ends, and that's all there is to it. Just 2 stubborn individuals wanting to win an argument lol! We instantly get back to life and love, like nothing happened. Little did we know that this has been affecting my son negatively.

I made my pledge and we talked a little bit more before we call it a night.

Before our goodnights, I asked him one last question, "Sayang mama tak?"

To that, he answered, "Of course, you're my mother."

And I went to sleep with tears rolling down my cheeks.

Happy birthday, son. 

Mama loves you in ways you can never imagine.

Aku dan Anxiety.

Remember in my previous posting, I ada mentioned about myself yang "jarang2 good mood"? Let me tell you why...

I have a mental illness that is known as general anxiety disorder (GAD). Bukan lah I ni gilo, semata2 sebab ada perkataan "mental" kat situ kan? Hahaha.

Kalau uol tak pernah dengar tentang penyakit ni, let me tell you what it's like. Pernah tak uol dalam situasi yang mana uol perlu bagi ucapan atau presentation? Atau pun sementara tunggu turn nak jumpa dentist sebab confirm ada satu gigi ni kena cabut? Apa perasaan masa tu? Nervous, gelabah, jantung dup-dap, dup-dap tak hengat kan? Kadang2 tapak tangan siap berpeluh2 lagi. Nak berborak pun takde mood sebab sibuk melayan perasaan yang risau tu. Tapi what happens selepas dah selesai urusan2 yang tersebut? Rasa lega tak tau nak habaq lagu mana... kan?

Sekarang bayangkan perasaan nervous yang uol rasa sebelum tu tak surut2. Tidak ada episode lega. Nervooouuuusss je memanjang. Dan uol sendiri tak tau apa puncanya. Hati berdebar2, perasaan risau/bimbang tak boleh nak dilenyapkan, rasa cemas, bernafas pun tak puas rasa tercungap2, kadang2 rasa nak pitam pun ada. Fikiran pulak asyik occupied dengan keadaan diri... nape dada aku rasa sempit ni? Heart attack ke? Kalau apa2 jadi ni kang dengan siapa aku nak mintak tolong? Risau, risau, risau.

Inilah yang dilalui oleh orang yang ada anxiety disorder, hampir sepanjang masa. Bayangkan. Bayangkan how exhausting it is. Ia sesuatu yang sangat melelahkan sebab tiada penghujung. Bagi kebanyakan pengidap, masa depan terasa tersangatlah kelam. Disebabkan itulah, kebanyakan pengidap juga mengalami kemurungan (depression).

For me personally, I think I have been through the worst. Pernah kena panic attack sampai hospitalised 3 hari. Ingatkan dah sampai ajal huhuhu... Hari2 (melarat ke bulan2 sebenarnya) selepas panic attack tu adalah hari2 yang sangat menakutkan. Kadang2 dek terlampau cemas, I pernah telefon suami suruh balik NOW cause I was having a meltdown. Dan cik abang sayang pun bergegas2lah pulang, semata2 nak provide comfort and support. Kadang2, just having someone you trust hold your hand is all it takes to calm down. Most of the time lah.

Depression then followed. Bagaimanakah kemurungan ini dimanifestasikan dalam kehidupan I? Haa... pagi2 celik2 mata dah rasa takde tenaga, kalau boleh nak berkampung atas katil je sehari-suntuk. Tak mahu bercampur dengan orang, lebih suka menyendiri di dalam bilik buat hal sendiri e.g baca buku, internet etc. And I have done it. Tak keluar bilik, jadinya... tak masak, makan pun apa yang sempat je sebab nak cepat2 masuk bilik balik. Nasib baik lah masa tu ada maid, so rumah tak lah terbengkalai sebab ada orang uruskan. Kalau tidak, I'm pretty sure kain-baju akan bertimbun, rumah tak berkemas etc. Ini under medication ni, dalam rawatan pakar psikologi. Bayangkan orang yang tak mendapatkan rawatan...

Ini cerita 13 tahun dulu. When I was at my lowest point. Dah 13 tahun jadi penghidap. Ada ketika yang I rasa dah pulih, tapi jadi balik. Pendek kata, it comes in cycles. And at this point of time, I sedang lagi sekali melalui episod yang tak best ini. Sekurang2nya, selepas 13 tahun, I am more informed and therefore, wiser. Tapi still, kadang2 kalah juga dengan simptom2 anxiety, yang I tak reti nak describe how dreadful they are melainkan uol yang melaluinya sendiri. It's horrible!

I read that ada yang mengidap penyakit ni melalui keturunan, and I think this is the case with me. Arwah ayah I dulu memang ada tanda2 yang I nampak tapi masa dulu mana lah orang ada kesedaran nak dapatkan rawatan penyakit2 mental macam ni kan? Kalau sebut penyakit mental, orang terus imagine Hospital Bahagia. Oh tidakk...

I hope, none of my children inherit this disease. Tak sanggup nak bayangkan anak sendiri melalui semua yang I lalui ni.

Cukuplah setakat ini dulu pendedahan I mengenai my battle with anxiety and depression. Kepada penghidap2 di luar sana, ketahuilah, you are not alone. There is treatment, there is hope. Tapi at the same time, kita kenalah redha dan sabar atas ujian-Nya.

Take care.