Perancangan Menu Bulan Puasa

Sedar tak sedar, dah 14 hari kita melalui bulan Ramadhan. Cepat betul kan masa berlalu... macam angin je. Tidur, jaga, tidur, jaga... dah separuh bulan Ramadhan pergi. Tinggal lah lagi separuh untuk dimanfaatkan sepenuhnya. Saya sangat berharap dan berdoa semoga Allah berikan kekuatan dan kesihatan untuk saya maximize pahala Ramadhan tahun ini. Setiap tahun rasa macam tak cukup je amalan... walhal macam boleh je kalau bersungguh-sungguh.

Setakat ni azam saya nak mengurangkan pembaziran di bulan puasa ini masih on track, alhamdulillah. Azam nak masak hari2 untuk berbuka, walaupun sekadar lauk ringkas ala kadar. Setakat ini cuma 2 hari saya tersasar... sehari beli lauk dan kuih di pasar Ramadhan atas permintaan anak sulung, dan sehari lagi kami order pizza delivery sahaja kerana kesihatan saya masa tu tidak mengizinkan saya ke dapur.

Mengikut pengalaman puasa yang lepas2, kalau memasak setiap hari ni kadang2 buntu juga memikirkan menu yang nak disediakan. Nak pastikan juadah menepati selera setiap ahli keluarga dan semestinya, nak pastikan juga makanan yang seimbang. Walau bagaimanapun, dari dulu lagi saya dah pesan anak2, tak semestinya setiap hari dapat makan makanan kegemaran mereka. Kena give and take lah. Mama tak mampu nak layan selera setiap orang setiap hari, jadi bergilir2 lah ye. Akan ada harinya yang lauk-pauk tidak menepati selera mereka. Belajar bersyukur dan tidak merungut. Alhamdulillah... nampaknya sekarang Kak Long & Abg Ngah dah faham. No more complaints. Dan yang paling saya suka, dah pandai juga ucap terima kasih pada saya setiap kali makan. Sejuk je rasa hati bila anak2 tahu menghargai penat-lelah kita.

Untuk memudahkan kerja saya menyediakan juadah berbuka, saya awal2 dah rancang menu dalam google spreadsheet. I learnt from past experience betapa peningnya kepala kalau nak fikirkan menu setiap kali nak memasak. Jadi awal2 saya dah buat menu buka puasa untuk 14 hari. Saya susunkan supaya lauk utama berselang-seli setiap hari antara ayam, daging dan ikan. Lauk kedua pula sayur, dan lauk ketiga adalah lauk tambahan yang bersesuaian.

Setiap kali ke pasar, saya beli bahan berpandukan perancangan menu saya ini. Daging, ayam, ikan semuanya saya stok siap2. Bahan sayuran pun, saya beli siap2 stok untuk 2 minggu dan simpan elok2 dalam peti sejuk. Saya habiskan dulu yang mana yang tak tahan simpan lama. Alhamdulillah, dengan cara ini saya tak perlu nak kerap ke pasar.

Nak masak pun saya dah tak pening-pening lagi memerah otak setiap hari. Saya dah tampal meal plan saya di dapur, hanya rujuk je di situ dan beri arahan pada bibik apa yang perlu disediakan menjelang pukul 5 ptg bila saya mula masuk dapur. Terasa efisiennye di situ hehehe....

Anak-anak pun dah tak payah tanya lagi hari ni mama masak apa. Tengok je planner, dah tahu juadah yang bakal disediakan. Saya pun tak rimas nak menjawab! Cuma memandangkan meal plan saya hanya untuk 14 hari, anak2 dah tanya, mana perancangan untuk 2nd half puasa?

Haish kata saya, kita ulanglah semula menu yang sama bermula dari atas!

Kenangan last kopek sebelum cuti sekolah

Hi fellas!

Ye, saya cakap saya sibuk kan? Takde masa nak blogging kan? Tapi tetiba pagi ni ada plak free time sikit... hehehe...

This is probably a random rambling post sebab dalam kepala saya sekarang tak ada specific topic yang nak dihamburkan di sini muahahaha! Cuma tangan je rasa gatal nak menaip sebab dah lama tak blogging and I can't keep creating sentences in my head anymore. Kena jugak release sikit.

First and foremost, sejak seminggu-dua yang lepas ni saya sibuk menjual perabot terpakai yang kami suami-isteri dah sepakat taknak bawak balik Malaya (locals here refer to WM as Malaya). Bukan sebab kami bercadang nak beli baru... oh tidakkk... tidak. Instead, learning from past experience, kali ni kami nekad nak berkonsepkan "minimalist". Haa gitu.

Itu yang tersurat. Yang tersiratnya... kuranglah sikit keje akak nak ngemas2, susun-atur bagai, tak gitu? Hehehe... Kurang perabot, kurang semak, kurang habuk. Dan akhirnya, moga-moga kurang lah kerja-kerja house cleaning yang saya memang tak berapa gemor! 

Perabot kalau dah banyak, sekali-sekala tentu nak kena lap, ye tak? Dan selagi ada laci dan kabinet, lagi besar lah potensi pengumpulan sampah sebab main sumbat je asal tak nampak pada pandangan mata. I'm sure uol pun pernah buat... catalog tupperware sayang nak buang in case nak tengok lagi, so sumbat je dalam laci dulu hehhee. Lepas tu bukan tengok lagi dah, sebab lupa terus! Betul tak? Betul tak?

Antara barang-barang yang telah berjaya dijual.

Seterusnya...

Minggu lepas adalah minggu paling busy. Last week of school lah katakan. Sibuk ringan-ringankan tulang tolong persiapan pihak sekolah untuk Hari Penyampaian Hadiah dan Konvo Tahun 6. Saya faham, hujung-hujung tahun persekolahan cikgu-cikgu memang selalunya tak menang tangan, jadi kita yang ada tulang 4-5 kerat ni, walaupun tak kuat mana, manfaatkan lah juga. Bantu mana-mana yang patut. After all, untuk anak-anak kita gak kan?

Hari terakhir sekolah, hari yang sangat sedih. Sedih nak mengucapkan selamat tinggal kepada kawan-kawan anak saya, sebab mereka dah macam anak saya sendiri. Setiap kali saya hantar atau jemput Maira, mereka always, ever so ceria "Hi aunty", "Bye aunty". 

Dan merekalah yang tanpa jemu-jemu membantu Maira tatkala kemampuan fizikalnya terbatas. Tolong buka/pakaikan kasut, tolong pimpin turun/naik tangga, tolong kemaskan beg sekolah waktu pulang, tolong, tolong dan macam-macam pertolongan lagi. Allah saja yang dapat membalas jasa baik anak-anak yang sangat saya sayang ini.

Aunty doakan kalian menjadi anak-anak yang solehah dan berjaya dunia akhirat.
Sayang semua ketat-ketat!

Of course, saya tak lupa pada guru-guru yang sangat memahami keadaan Maira. I have no words to express how accommodating the school has been, right from the start. Masa mula-mula Maira masuk sekolah dulu atas kerusi roda, pihak sekolah siap buatkan 'ramp' untuk memudahkan kami menolak kerusi roda masuk ke dalam kelas. Dan sepanjang 3 tahun di sekolah tersebut, kelas Maira dikekalkan di tingkat bawah (ground floor) supaya dia tak perlu turun-naik tangga. 

MasyaAllah. 

And did I mention? Pihak sekolah tersebut siap buatkan tandas duduk untuk anak kami memandangkan dia tak boleh mencangkung sedangkan di sekolah tersebut tak ada satu pun tandas duduk sebelum ini.

Now you see why I am so indebted to them?

My heartfelt thanks to all the teachers and workers of this school. Unfortunately, I don't want to mention the name of the school here for personal reasons. 

Moving on...

The next day, concert si Mamat lah pulak. I had been looking forward to this concert sebab nak tengok anak saya beraksi di atas pentas. Kami sekeluarga yang first sekali sampai. Therefore, kami dapat tempat duduk yang paling best. Unobstructed view of the stage. Perfect!

Errrr... actually, not so perfect. The poor soon-to-be-performing boy pulak tiba-tiba cuak tengok orang makin ramai memenuhi dewan. They had had a rehearsal the day before, tapi masa tu dewan kosong. And he actually thought that that was his "new school". Tapi ni apehal tetiba ramai orang plak ni kan?

Akhirnya he burst out crying and refused to go with the other students. Mama pun pujuk lah sedaya-upaya and sent him back to his group dengan harapan setinggi gunung. They all went backstage, and I thought, amid the noise in the dewan, I heard a faint wailing coming from backstage... macam suara Mamat hahaha! 

And sure enough, kejap je lepas tu teacher dia datang hantar semua dia ke tempat duduk. Madam principal said, "we don't want to upset them at this age". But I heard that as "we don't want him to disrupt the order backstage" hahaha! Takpe...takpe... saya paham.

Ok lah, ok lah... tapi Tuhan saja yang tahu betapa kuciwanya saya. I brought my whole camera bag yang bagak dan berwarna oren terang itu just for this occasion. Just so I could capture this moment. It was his FIRST ever concert, after all. Yet here he was, sitting on my lap peluk mama macam taknak lepas. I tried coaxing him.

When the first performance started, he saw it and I could tell that he was feeling 50-50 about it. "Nampak macam best, tapi macam takut la plak..." haa macam tu la agaknya perasaan dia. So I decided to take him outside, out of the hall so that I could slow talk him into doing it. Setelah agak-agak lebih kurang 15 minit di luar dewan, dan setelah termeterainya perjanjian membeli toy selepas concert, he finally agreed to give it a shot.

Without wasting much time, bergegas-gegas lah saya bawa Mamat turun ke bawah, cadangnya nak masuk ikut pintu belakang dewan, terus ke backstage. Nak dijadikan cerita, kunci lah pulak pintu bertuah itu. Saya ketuk dan ketuk dan ketuk...obviously nobody heard me cause they were busy on the other wing. I knew this cause I was there the day before. Not wanting to give up, pemburuan mencari pak guard pun bermula. Nasib lah tempat lepak pak guard tak jauh. Saya mintak tolong bukakan pintu sebab surely depa ada kunci kan?

We got in, sent him to his teacher, and I quickly got back to my seat, praying hard that my dear son would do what he was there to do.

Alas... let the pictures speak!

Waving to the family as soon as the curtain opened.

Finally on stage!

Bye-bye!

So there... I couldn't be any prouder of him! He felt pretty good himself after the concert, sebab mama dengan abah tak habis-habis bagi pujian melangit-langit hehehe! I was just relieved that he finally did it. Phew!

And just as promised, we did get him his reward.

I'm just happy I got them pictures. I live for these moments!

Birthday boy in the house!

Chakkk! Hehehe...

I know, I know... I still owe you the continuation of my Sabah vacation but nanti lah eh? Mood suda lama terbang. The procrastinator in me is alive and kicking it seems.

Today, my post is just to remember a special day that occurred 4 years ago and the days following that meaningful day have never been the same. Lahirnya my buah hati nombor 3. 

Today. 4 years ago.

I'm not so big on celebrations and such. I've always preferred a private and low-key affair just within the family circle. In other words, mim alif lam sin nak beriya-iya hehehe... I don't always get my way though. But this year, Muhammad's birthday falls within the Ramadhan month. What excuse is better to not throw a party than that it is a month of fasting, and that the 'party planner' is tired?

But really, I am exhausted most days from fasting in this sweltering heat. The heatwave has been intolerable at times. Couple that with me running errands, in and out of the house. The mid-day heat almost always hit me right in the head with a sudden headache. Like, the moment I stepped out of the car, wham! Adehhh... But anywho, this post is not about that heheh.

So yes, in our attempt as parents,  who are somewhat struggling with parenthood, we wanted to remember this day for the sake of our little boy. So we divided the work between ourselves. I went to get his birthday presents, and my better half, the cake (and party hats tiba2 came into the equation!). 

This little micro party must happen.

After iftar, we rounded up the kids for a quick happy birthday to you sing-song, potong kek, some pictures and voila! Party's done. 

We did it!

Hey, don't judge us, okay? Lol!

That's all, folks!

Good night!

Kerenah hari Khamis

Those who know me, know that I love to create. I love to make something, out of nothing. Well, not nothing... out of various materials lah, logically. Ambo buke tuhe... hehehe...

That is why, sometimes when Umar gets a school project to be done at home, I am almost always the one feeling all excited about it. I would be the one lying in bed at night thinking of ideas, materials and ways to make the project a reality. I'd go hunting for stuff to use in the project. Maknye yang lebih, anak rilek jek...

Today, Umar submitted his assignments... a shoebox habitat, a food chain, an informational poster of a Sarawak longhouse and a favorite piece of art depicting a natural habitat. I guess you can see the pattern now... they're learning about habitat this term.

So here are his assignments...

The diorama was very easy to make. Find a shoebox, line it with green crepe paper (I got Umar to do it himself), cut out 2 pieces of tree trunk shaped cardboards, stick them in there any way you would. Then just stick crumpled pieces of crepe paper around to make the leaves and grass. This was a very easy part where I got Umar to actively participate. It was his homework, after all.

As for the orangutan, I googled some coloring pics on the net, downloaded them, scaled down to size, and printed them. Umar colored them and pasted them wherever and whichever way he liked it. Done.

All these are due tomorrow but I insisted that we send them in today cause the longer they are at home, the higher the chance of the younger siblings putting their "fingerprints" on them.

Plus, these were just lying around on the dining table, like, juuuust waiting for a cup of coffee or milo to spill all over them...

No way am I going to risk that!

So due to the bulkiness of the homework, I decided to send Umar to school instead of him taking the school bus. Mana nak bawak beg sekolah lagi, beg isi diorama lagi, nak kepit 3 manila cards kat ketiak lagi hehehe... Kesian anak I yg chubby tu.

*******

After sending Umar, I had to rush home to fetch Muhammad pulak and send him to school. Dalam kelam-kabut tu, sempat jugak singgah beli nasi lemak berlauk dulu. I call that, rezeki. Jangan ditolak =)

And later, this is what happened in the car...

Muka nak nangis cause he can't get his socks to co-operate.

The little cheeky fella insisted that his socks must be pulled all the way up. And that they must be the same height. I said only girls wear socks that high. He didn't care.

And so I spent the whole trip to school coaxing him that it is not possible to pull them any longer. That is as far as they can go. He was beginning to get upset.

Nasib lah sempat sampai sekolah before he switched on this "cranky" button. 

And so, off he went.

It's only 10:15am now. There's more to come.

Don't you just love children?

Congo bars for Humaira

Delish!

Humaira has been asking me to make another batch of them congo bars that ran out Sunday. And I'd been putting it off since I couldn't find my favorite semi-sweet choc chips in any shop (baking supply shops included) in Miri. Most shops don't sell that brand and the only one that I know which does, is out of stock. Dengan busy-body nya I asked the cashier, when is the new stock coming? She said she has no idea, it's been out of stock for awhile and further delayed since the implementation of GST. 

Damn you, GST! How could you?!

Maka dengan berat hatinya, I made my way to the baking supply store and bought a packet of house brand choc chips (RM9.45 for a packet of 500g, gile murah kan?), determined to fulfill my daughter's request.

As soon as I got home after sending Muhammad to school, I chowed down a quick breakfast and then right away started my baking mission. Didn't want to delay lah cause if I did, entah bila la pulak nak nampak bayang congo bars nye kan? 

So here they are... Sinful and inviting eh? Ke ahkaq yang syiok sendiwri??

Aerial view. 

Please excuse me if the pictures seem rather amateurish to you. I'm a noobie at food photography. Baru nak dabble2, kata orang.  And unlike some fofular food bloggers, I lack the props to go along with the food hehehe... Balik2 pinggan itu, balik2 garpu itu lah juga adanya hahaha! Takpe lah, next time I might just borrow my neighbour's Royal Doulton, see if she'll let me. Macam la berani nak mintak pun kan?

Dah tengok gambar, misti uols nak tengok resepi pulak kan? Tengok2 resepi tu... buat kerr?? Kalau tengok je memang tak merasa lah kesedapannya tuu... *sambil juih bibir*

Apa2 pun, nindiaa.... resepi...

Resipi di ambil dari blog Rachael Ray dan dialih-bahasa ke bahasa ibundaku.

Bahan-bahan :

2 3/4 cawan tepung gandum

2 1/2 sudu teh serbuk penaik

1 sudu teh garam

2/3 cawan mentega, lembutkan*

2 1/4 cawan gula perang**

3 biji telur***

2 sudu teh esen vanila

2 1/2 cawan chips coklat****

Nota :

* 2/3 cawan mentega lebih kurang 225g, saya potong butter tu ikut tanda yang terdapat pada bungkusan butter tu. Short cut hee hee...

** Saya pakai 2 cawan sahaja sebab taknak terlalu manis

*** Saya tambah satu kuning telur (jadi 3 biji telur penuh + satu kuning telur) untuk lebih moist sebab mula2 saya buat aritu agak kering dan crumbly (lerai). Lagipun mengikut pengalaman saya semasa belajar oversea dulu, telur kat negeri omputih sana memang besar2 sikit kalau dibandingkan dengan telur ayam di sini. Jadi dalam kebanyakan resepi omputih ni saya up kan sikit kuantiti telurnya. Dalam kata lain, memandai-mandai heheh!

**** Saya pakai 2 cawan sahaja. Tu pun rasa macam dah banyak!

Cara mengolah :

Standard lah ni.... ayak tepung, garam dan baking powder, letak tepi.

Pukul mentega dan gula hingga bercampur rata (bukan sampai kembang).

Masukkan telur sebiji2 sambil dipukul rata.

Masukkan esen vanila.

Masukkan tepung sedikit2 dan gaul/kaup hingga sebati.

Akhir sekali masukkan chips coklat, gaul rata.

Adunan akan jadi sangat pekat, bukan macam doh kek yang agak boleh dituang2 gitu.

Masukkan adunan ke dalam loyang 13"x9" (yang telah di gris dengan mentega) dan bakar selama setengah jam.

Kalau ikut resepi, setelah di convert, suhu oven sepatutnya lebih kurang 175ºC. Saya dapati (minggu lepas) suhu ini terlalu tinggi, congo bars jadi terlalu kering dan tepinya terlalu cepat garing.

Jadi kali ni saya turunkan ke 160ºC dan bakar dalam tempoh yang sama. Alhamdulillah menjadi. Kena tengok oven jugak ye uols... oven saya oven gas, katanya oven gas ni kawalan suhu dia memang pelik sikit, ikut tuan katanya hehehe....

I put them in these nice little orangey boxes and sent some to my neighbour.
Selepas tangkap gambar lah, opkos! Eee... nampak plak lobang cocok lidi.

So there you go. Congo bars!

Selamat mem-baking!

Of cakes, teachers and crocodiles.

Part 1

I mentioned once before in one of my earlier postings that for me to spend time with my family without the pangs of anxiety creeping in every now and then, doesn't happen very often. Most of the time, it would creep up on me, making me edgy and easily irritated and I'd usually end up being the party pooper. To keep that from happening, I would normally choose to excuse myself from whatever activity they planned to do and stayed home instead. It seems like the better option rather than spoil their fun, right?

Yesterday, however, I didn't have the luxury to hide in my comfort zone.

Humaira's school held an all-in-one fundraising event to celebrate Teacher's Day and making it a Family Day at the same time. Parents were asked to contribute food for sale, with each class year being given a particular type of food. Lucky for me, Humaira's class was asked to bring "kuih-muih kering atau basah". I decided to make congo bars.

2 pans of freshly baked congo bars.

Packing time. I reserved the unsightly, crispy edges for myself.
Wicked eh? =)

It was my first attempt making these and I promise you, they were so easy to make, yet crazy delicious!

I baked and packed these the night before the event, and sent them over to her school early in the morning, as was told. I had intended to just send the cakes in, and skip the event altogether. But luck was not on my side, I bumped into the Penolong Kanan and she asked if I could help man the stall later. Alamakk! I muttered a half-hearted "insyaAllah" and politely excused myself.

The 5-minute drive home felt like a looong one as I pondered and psyched myself up for what was to come. No running away this time... 

I reached home as the whole family was getting ready. Humaira was the most excited, and I almost felt sorry for her. I was the last to get ready, buying time, I suppose. I grabbed my camera bag and checked if everything was in order and found this...

What's become of my 77mm polarizer =(

This was still attached to my 24-70mm Nikkor lens, and I thank God for that. Or else, this would've been a full-blown photographer's nightmare! What happened was that, few days prior, the strap of my old camera bag gave way and I dropped it as I was alighting from our Naza Ria. I didn't bother to check, assuming the bag had enough cushion to protect my photography gear. How wrong was I! Thankfully though, the polarizer took the full force of the fall and I guess, saving my lens (or better yet, me) from agony. I can replace the polarizer but I doubt I can ever replace the lens. It's that once-in-a-lifetime purchase kind of thing, you know what I mean? Alhamdulillah...syukur....syukurr....

Anyway, made a quick change to a lighter lens and off we went to Humaira's school. Let me just put some pictures to show how the day went eh?

Humaira and friends. I asked her "nape Maira tak senyum?"
She said, "tu senyum la tuu..."

Sneaking on the performers "backstage".

The Gerai PIBG. My congo bars are somewhere in that
mixture of food and drinks.

We got served laksa sarawak. A very delicious laksa sarawak, I might add.

Hubby got the "Anugerah Bapa" or something like that, much to our surprise.
A token of appreciation from the school for his involvement in the welfare of
the school. I guess there wasn't much competition on the bapa side.
Women are more actively involved, so susah la sikit for me to get the "Anugerah Ibu".
Cewah! Alasaann!!

Respected teachers reciting the teachers' pledge.
May Allah reward these dedicated educators amply.

One of the contestants of Pakaian Beragam Dari Bahan Kitar Semula.

The contestants. From left, dress made of tali rafia,  dress made of garbage bags and plastic bag roses,
dress made of plastic bags and fruit wrappers, dress made from (believe it or not) umbrella!,
outfit made of garbage bags and newspaper and lastly, an Iban warrior outfit made from newspaper.
Thumbs up for these creative students and their mummies.

We left the school before the event finished as the day was getting hotter, everyone was sweaty and Muhammad was starting to show signs of an impending tantrum. Not wanting to disrupt the majlis, we decided to leave. For me, that was a good excuse to make my move too heheh...

Part 2

We got home, and I took a long nap. Firstly, because I didn't get enough sleep the night before. Secondly, I needed to sleep off the drowsiness from the anxiety meds I took the night before and thirdly, I was pretty sure the laksa sarawak had some involvement too.

Later that afternoon, I felt good enough for another outing so we decided to go to the Boat Club where the kids can have a go at the playground before we settled for an early dinner.

We saw this posted on the wall at the club. Ho-humm... nothing unusual on this part of the world. *yawn*.

Add caption

This pretty much set the topic for our dinner conversation heh!. Kids came up with all kinds of crocodile stories! I can't recall any of them but I remember laughing at the hilarity of some of the stories. Or maybe, at my inability to understand the stories. Whatever it was, it was nice to get to chat with them like that.

We left just as maghrib approached and I had to take one last shot, just for the heck of it.

At the end of the day, I was glad for 2 things.

One. That I'd had a good, full day of time spent with my family. Anxiety free, no meds necessary. That's a big thing for me, you know!

And two. The Penolong Kanan did not insist that I man the PIBG stall hehehe....

Cheers y'all!

                  

Malam yang panjang.

Image thanks to http://humor.about.com/

They say that we should always strive to start the day on a positive note. That isn't going to happen in my day today. 

Arrghh stress!!

Aisyah slept late last night, thanks to an extended afternoon nap. After she finally fell asleep, it took me awhile to doze off myself. Rasa2 agak2 dalam pukul 1 macam tu lah baru lelap. At 3:40am Aisyah woke me up mintak susu. Senang la dia kan? Rengek2 mintak susu, sambil mama buat susu she tido. Then bila susu siap, sambil minum susu mata pun lelap jugak. Haishh! 

The carefree life of a toddler!

Me, on the other hand, ended up wide awake afterwards. Just couldn't go back to sleep. Pusing kiri, pusing kanan. Long story short, here I am still awake since 3:40am. And as always the case with me when I lack sleep... nausea and vomiting ensued. 

Omaigod please!

So what am I doing, blogging, you might ask? Why am I not in bed catching up on lost zzzz? 

Well, it's complicated. I'm not a daytime sleeper. Doesn't come as easy to me as it used to be in my younger years. It's probably the brightness of daylight. May also be that my mind can't rest knowing there's a hive of activity going on in my surrounding. I'd be going through my mental to-do list over and over. There's just so much to do, and so little time energy.

So what's left for me to do?

Entah! Haven't figured it out yet.

Hehe....

Tengok wayang, gelabah, gigil, etc.

Ni nak bagi tau... sesiapa yang ada masalah kemurungan macam I, jangan gatal-gatal pegi tengok wayang citer Cinderella, hokay? Hahaha! Banyak babak-babak menyentuh perasaan gitu... kejap-kejap rasa nak meleleh airmata. Tapi I kena tahan you... sebab I pegi bawak my eldest daughter, HS dengan kawan-kawan dia 4 orang. Malu la nak nangis kan? Kang budak2 tu kata "over la aunty ni". Itu pun takpe lagi. Buatnya diorang balik citer kat mak-pak masing2, tak ke malu I? Tengok citer fairytale Disney pun nangis. Ngahahaha!

Anyway, just nak story. Sebenarnya malam sebelum tu I tak boleh tidur. Tak tau lah kenapa. Padahal mengantuk, menguap2 lagi tapi tak boleh lelap. Last2 dah dekat pukul 4 baru dapat lelap. Tu pun, dah nasib, 3 kali dikejutkan anak lepas tu. Rasa nak naik hangin tahap puting-beliung tapi sabar je lah. Redha. Tau-tau dah siang. Hmmph! Tak sampai 2 jam pun tidur. Tu pun putus2.

Mula lah nervous. Camno nak bawak budak2 ni tengok wayang ni? I tau, kalau I tak cukup tidur macam tu memang for sure I akan kena anxiety attack at some point. Tapi dah janji. Budak2 tu pun dah siap seawal pukul 9 pagi sedangkan kite dah pesan, aunty datang jemput antara pukul 10 dan 10:30. Tengok2 pukul 9 dah call, aunty kat mana? Sabor le yang oii... aunty baru nak breakfast!

Dek I tak yakin nak bawak budak2 tu tanpa seorang lagi orang dewasa teman, maka cik abang pun setuju nak temankan. Syukurrr sangat-sangat! Ye lah, nak bawak anak2 orang kan? Kang kalau apa2 jadi kang...

Nasib baik jugak la cik abang ikut. Sehabis2 je wayang lebih kurang pukul 1.15pm, I dah rasa nak kena anxiety attack. Sebabnya, perut kosong. I ni bukan jenis yang suka makan popcorn (atau apa2 saja) masa tengok wayang. Jadinya by the time wayang habis, perut dah pedih. Dan itulah suis anxiety attack I.

Dah rasa lain macam tapi I diamkan je. Ingat nak terus pi makan, dah la budak2 tu nak singgah toilet dulu. Maklum, masing2 dah tonggang iced lemon tea sebekas sorang, kantong dah takleh tampung hehehe. After all that, barulah we made our way ke ground floor cari tempat nak makan. Dalam kumpulan kawan2 anak I ni, ada sorang tu tak reti makan western so kitorang pun singgah la satu restoran malay cuisine ni. Orang ramai, but what did you expect? Hari Ahad. Weekend crowd.

I nak order cepat2. Budak2 ni belek menu macam tengok catalog... slow nye! Last2 I pun sound kat diorang, cepat sikit decide. Bila dah abis order, satu ujian plak menunggu makanan sampai. Lambatnyeee rasa. Sebenarnya takde lah lambat mana, reasonable lah kan orang ramai? Tapi I yg tengah bergelut dengan perasaan yang tak mampu dikawal ni, terasa tersangat laaahhh lambatnya. Tangan dah start gigil, mata dah rasa berpinar2, fikiran dah tak focus apa2 dah melainkan perasaan sendiri dan fikiran yang bercelaru. Ya Allah... help me!

Dan seperti kebiasaan kalau makan kedai "orang kita" (jangan sangkal sbb I dah byk kali kena ok? berlainan tempat tapi pe'el yg sama), hantar makanan tapi sudu garpunya tak hantar. I dah takleh tunggu so I pun bangun nak pi ambik sendiri lah konon sbb nampak macam ada tempat letak cutlery. Owhh... bukan rupanya. Dalam tu cuma ada senduk2 pelbagai rupa. Aarrghh! Mintak kat waiter. Waiter pun masuk dalam, sekejap lagi keluar dengan segenggam sudu-garpu. I pun happy, tapi ehh... dia singgah lak kat kaunter. Rupanya singgah nak lap dulu. Dia pun mulalah mengelap kesemua sudu dan garpu tu satu.... satu.... satu.... Aaaarrgghhhhh!! Cepat la bang oiii... aku dah gigil nak pitam dah rasanya ni.

Bila sudu sampai, I pun melompat lah amik, nak cepat2 isi perut sebelum kegelabahan ni menjadi bertambah serious. Tapi chup! Takleh makan lagi. Nak kena tolong carik2kan ayam utk anak I yg "special" itu dan jugak ayam dalam pinggan cik abang. Haa... sure you all heran, nape cik abang tak buat sendiri? Ni lah baru nak mention bahawa I bawak anak no.3 yg umur 4 tahun tu. Dia tak sehat tapi terpaksa bawak sbb dia clingy kalau sakit. Takut maid takleh handle. Kejam kan? Tapi terpaksa, sbb I pun ada penyakit. Ibarat telan mati mak, luah mati bapak. Anyway, dia nak berdokong sepanjang masa dengan ayahnya so ayahnya tak boleh nak guna both hands utk makan. So I lah yg terpaksa dulukan suami dan anak2.

Percaya tak? I potong2 dan carik2 ayam dengan tangan yang menggigil2. Kalau korang tak pernah tengok cemana org yang kena anxiety/panic attack, cer cari kat YouTube. Ramai gak diorang ni yang rekod dan upload keadaan diorang masa kena attack.

Last sekali, baru lah I dapat makan setelah settlekan semua orang. Biasa lah, kita mak2 ni memang selalu makan last kan? I suap makanan ke mulut dengan tangan yang bergegar2, heran jugak diorang sorang pun tak perasan my struggle time tu. Cik abang pun tak perasan. Lapor sangat kut.... husnuzon hahahah! Alhamdulillah, by the time habis makan, perasaan gelabah dan takut tu beransur2 hilang. Tapi tangan gigil tu lama jugak nak berenti. Masa berangkat dari kedai makan tu, tangan I masih menggigil2.

I dah sabar2 nak balik sebenarnya. Syukur ada alasan kukuh, si kecik tak sehat. Walaupun sebenarnya mak si kecik tu yang tak sehat, tak sabar2 nak balik berehat. Fyi, hampir semua org yang ada GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) ni tak suka tempat2 awam terutama yang ramai orang. Sekejap boleh, tapi akan sampai satu tahap yang I akan rasa yang I must go back to my own comfy zone where I can be myself. Walaupun sekadar duduk dalam kereta dekat parking lot! Rasanya bila dah masuk kereta tu lah baru tangan I berhenti menggigil. Dah lega sbb dah masuk familiar surrounding dan tak payah buat2 ok. Phew!

Maka berangkatlah kami menghantar budak2 tu balik ke rumah masing2 mcm van sekolah dah rasa. Tapi ada lagi ujian menunggu, one of them muntah dalam kereta. Elok2 sampai rumah dia plak tu. Kalau I cepat 10 saat je sikit, mungkin dia boleh muntah kat luar, not in the car. Geram lah jugak sbb kalau dah rasa mual2, nape tak cakap? Boleh la bagi plastik atau berenti tepi jalan muntah kat luar kan? Tapi takkan nak marah anak orang plak kan? Ni misti kes minum chocolate milk shake kat restoran tadi. Haishh!

Satu kerja lah pulak kami membersihkan kereta kat tepi jalan tu. Mujur ada bawa wet tissue, dan teramat syukur ada cik abang sayang I. Sebab without him, tak tau lah cemana nak bersihkan kereta tu sbb I ni jenis tak boleh tengok org muntah, apatah lagi muntahnye tu. I pun boleh termuntah dibuatnya tau. Karpet yg terkena muntah tu kami lap ala2 kadar je dgn wet tissue, lepas tu pindahkan masuk ke boot kereta. Taknak terbau... kang muntah I youuuuu! Tunggu balik rumah je lah pancut dengan air.

By the end of the day, setelah ke-empat2 anak2 orang tu kami hantar pulang, I rasa tersangat lega dan lapang dada. Baru lah mood improve sikit. Sebelum tu memang rasa nak telan orang je tapi cover dgn muka manis. Taknak spoil the outing with my foul mood. Kesian budak2 tu nanti esp. my daughter.

Rasanya in future, nak organise lagi tak outing gini? Of course! Demi anak pompuan I yang truly special itu. This disease is my battle, not hers. Why should she have to pay for it kan? Cuma satu je... taknak lagi bawak budak yang muntah tu. Hahahahah! Gurau je... diorang 5 sekawan, takkan nak exclude sorang plak.

I'm not mean. I'm kind, like that.

The [Not So] Great Pretender

Motherhood is tough.

And for weak, whiny me, it is much tougher.

How do some women make it look so easy?? Are they always ever so healthy and cheerful? Do they really have time to pamper themselves? Cause some of them looked, well... pampered.

Let me just admit it straight and frank, how it is for me on most days.

There is an average of 30 days in a month. Out of that, at least one whole week of each month is a goner. That would be the time when Aunt Flo comes visiting, and she's one hell of an imposing visitor. I'd be down and weak, bloated and in pain most of the time that the only thing I want to do is lie down and never have to get up for anything. For anything! It is the time when I wish for meals in bed, and that toilet visits can be put off indefinitely! It is a time of abdominal pains, backaches and foul moods. And little sleep too, cause these pains seem to worsen at night.

Of course, meals in bed is just wishful thinking. Not having someone send me meals, almost always result in me delaying taking them and that, in turn, would trigger my gastritis. I would then be dealing with heartburn and more bloating (masuk angin la tu kan?). More pain, yeay!!

As if that's not enough, if you know what heartburn is like, if it gets too bad, it even makes it difficult for you to breathe. You'd feel short of breath and that, ladies and gentlemen, would then set off my anxiety to an overdrive. That's when racing hearts, shaky hands and butter fingers come into the picture, and finally, the climax of the show....anxiety attacks and thoughts of myself dying. Thoughts of DYING. M.A.T.I. How fun is that?

So from a whole week of dealing with AF, I would normally take another 4-5 days or so afterwards to recover from the gastric and anxiety attacks. Let me tell you people, anxiety and panic attacks can shake you to the core! If you have never experienced it, pray that you never will. No matter how much I've learned about it, every attack would still lead me to believe that this is my final moment of life.

Now this whole pattern has been recurring every month for... geez... I don't know how long. Years, at least. And recently, after discovering that I have a thyroid goiter, my anxiety has gotten worse. I had been out of depression for many years before. I was doing pretty well managing my anxiety without medication. But now, I am back on medication and despite that, depression is seeping in. Not cool.

Depression is not cool.

It's a feeling of doom and hopelessness. A feeling of inadequacy, self-disgust, and loneliness. Feeling unwanted and hated. Feeling negatively judged, never good enough to be anybody's company. Feeling like everybody is ganging up against you. And guilt.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Feeling like you are in a separate world of your own. A lonely one.

Depression drains your energy that even waking up in the morning is hard cause you don't feel rested. If it was up to me, I'd be in bed all day. You cry easily, and I've cried every, single day since the depression set in. I have no explanation on why I cried other than the fact that I don't feel good about myself. I don't feel happy. This, despite ALL the crystal clear blessings around me that I am very much aware of.

And do you know what the worst part is? It is putting up the charade that you're all fine and dandy. Presenting the facade of confidence, having all things under complete control. When the truth is, you can feel yourself crumbling inside from the pressures of keeping up with all the pretensions that are not you.

So this is my struggle, every single day. It's one or the other. On days that I can drive in and out running errands, that would be a good day. On any weekends that I can join my family for an outing to the movies or the swimming pool, that would be twice better. But good and better days don't come often. I've had times when I was not feeling well enough (that also means, brave enough) to do any shopping that we totally ran out of food in the fridge. And with much guilt, I had to give my children eat instant noodles. There were also times when I stayed in my room all day that I only saw my children once in the morning, and didn't see them again later in the evening. I left them the whole time with my maid. I'm a homemaker, but homemaking I am not. 

I've also had times of total meltdown where my family was on the receiving end. I've always had a short fuse to begin with, that I admit. But in recent years, I began to notice that I no longer get angry. I get crazy mad followed with a meltdown. I would come out of the episode feeling defeated and extremely guilty for putting my family through all that childishness. But trust me when I say that, sometimes, I just couldn't hold it in.

Wow! Enough confession for now eh?

So back to my first question... how do these seemingly perfect mothers do it? Are they really good at what they do?

Or are they better pretenders?

The Good Son

This is about my wiser-than-his-age son who turns 9 today.

Just 2 nights ago (or was it 3? #foggybrainme) I had a long talk with my son, UZ. But before I start, let me just give a little background of the story.

You see, as I have mentioned in a previous posting, I have GAD. Because of the stress and depression that normally comes with GAD, many people with GAD have a bit of a problem controlling their emotions. And for most of us, anger is the hardest to deal with. For me, I have always had a short fuse to begin with, and this is not unknown within my family circle. Top that up with GAD, I evolve into a different creature altogether lol!

But jokes aside, despite knowing that this would affect my family negatively, I failed many times to keep my temper in check. My kids get scolded regularly. And UZ, being the eldest boy (he has an older sister HS who is within the 'kelainan upaya' category so she gets away with a lot of things), gets most of the the backlashes. I know this, I am very much aware of this, believe me, I've tried so hard... but it is a struggle for me. That, I have to admit.

I struggle with patience, I struggle with putting things into perspective, I struggle with the inability to not sweat the small stuff,  I struggle with my own self-confidence and self-esteem. Trust me, there are many personal struggles within me that if I were to describe how my thoughts are inside my head.... it's like a war zone. A loud, ear-piercing, non-stop battlefield. And I am always living "internally" as oppose to "externally". And that is as frankly as I can put it.

So, back to this conversation with my son... we were getting ready for bedtime and got into small talks. Then he asked me things like "what do you feel when you're angry?", "why are you always angry?" and so on, and so on (tak ingat lah the exact questions but something like those lah). So I told him about my illness, GAD (and thyroid issues, believe it or not?) and that these diseases disrupt my hormones that control a lot of things in my body, including my emotions. And as such, when I get angry over small matters, these hormone imbalance amplifies that anger to a point that sometimes, I just couldn't hold it in. And sadly, I tend to lash out at the people closest to me. My family.

He nodded in a thoughtful thinking expression kind of way. I couldn't tell if he understood me, or if any of these make sense to a 9-year-old. Then I admitted to him that it was a bad habit of mine, and I can't simply justify it with some annoying disease. I must change. I must not TRY to change. I MUST change.

Then I assured him that my being angry at him does not make me love him any less. I told him that I love him immeasurably and that he has no idea how much. UZ is a soft-hearted, sensitive boy. I saw him held back tears while he nodded. I'm a mother, I know exactly the kind of face my boy pulls when he's trying not to cry, and this was THE face. He wouldn't admit it, of course. But I know.

I asked him to tell me whatever was in his mind, to let it all out. I'm all ears, I said. And he proceeded to list out 3 things he wants me to change...

1. To stop scolding him and his siblings (unnecessarily, we later established).
2. To never be harsh with his younger siblings ever again. "They're just kids, they don't know anything". That's what he said.
3. To never argue with dad cause it makes me sad and unhappy.

The thing with me and my better half is that we almost always see things from different angles and we would argue to support our views. It isn't a fight or a squabble, just arguments which sometimes can be quite loud. And then it ends, and that's all there is to it. Just 2 stubborn individuals wanting to win an argument lol! We instantly get back to life and love, like nothing happened. Little did we know that this has been affecting my son negatively.

I made my pledge and we talked a little bit more before we call it a night.

Before our goodnights, I asked him one last question, "Sayang mama tak?"

To that, he answered, "Of course, you're my mother."

And I went to sleep with tears rolling down my cheeks.

Happy birthday, son. 

Mama loves you in ways you can never imagine.