A rant post. Sekali-sekala...

Being a fulltime homemaker, in my opinion, consist of a lot of guilt trips. Taking time off for yourself seems to others like you have lots of time for leisure. And that is an indescribable indulgence to some. The envy of many careerwomen in general. So much so that when I do take the time off for my relaxation, I always feel this tugging need to justify my action. Or else risk looking like a spoilt woman who has lots of free time for self-pampering and not contributing in any way to the world. Yes, I do feel that way.

"Dia apa susah, duduk rumah goyang kaki je..." To this, I say, puihh!

Let me let you in on it...

It's true, there is no need for me to be super intelligent in what I do on a daily basis. Mothering is natural. It's common sense. Anybody can do it. I'm not telling you you can't do it. You probably can do it better than me. But until you're actually doing it, quit making assumptions. Whatever they are.

Here's my confession.

I am constantly tired. Exhausted. I can't remember the last time I actually slept through the night uninterrupted for a solid 6-8 hours. It must've been, at least, years ago. That long. I haven't had a day of rest. I'm not exaggerating. I'll say it again. I haven't had a day of rest. My job is taking care of the family. The family is my job. And I can't break away from them. Not that I want to, but you know what I mean.

When I sleep, I get awaken by cries for milk, cries for a sip of water, cries from having fallen off the bed (yes, it happened a few times) or just cries from bad dreams. Just to name a few. Sometimes my night involves hovering in half-asleep-half-awake state from one room to another checking on my charges, especially on stormy nights or should a sudden power failure happen. Children get spooked up by darkness, but not as badly spooked as when there is no aircond hahaha!

I do have troubles waking up early in the morning, due to fatigue, but most days, sleeping in is not an option. So I had no choice but to drag my cranky self out of bed and get on with life. Mornings are always stressful. Waking up and urging sleepy kids to hurry up and get ready for school can cause my blood pressure to hit the roof. I admit, sometimes, yelling in the morning is inevitable lol! I can't be running upstairs, downstairs, back and forth just to nudge them to speed it up a little, so I guess that's why God blessed us mothers with superior vocal chords. At least, within my family they are. Come to our family gathering and you'll see what I mean. I can holler from the kitchen loud enough for them to come running for breakfast, I tell you that. And that is why, people, I never open my windows before the kids leave for school. Just my way of being considerate to the neighbours. Lol!

The only window of opportunity for me to catch a quick rest/nap is in the afternoon, after the kids are back from school. But even that, 8 out 10 times I get interrupted. Examples of interruptions... kids needing help with homework, somebody's at the door (i.e. courier co.), text messages from other half saying guests are coming in a few hours, kids getting into a squabble that the maid couldn't resolve...and on and on. So I get back up and trudge on.

And then there are the constant vigilance of keeping track of schedules and things around the house. Meal times, tuition times, bedtimes (kids love to delay bedtime, begging for a mere 5-10 more minutes)... Food supplies, stationery supplies, clean clothes to wear, bedsheets to change, towels to wash... What's for breakfast? Lunch? Dinner? What's the plan this weekend? Whose what, when or where?

All these not only tire me physically, they also drain me mentally. Foggy brain and confusion is normal.

And what drains me emotionally? The lack of appreciation, the lack of understanding, the taking for granted that someone is always there to finish up what was started, to clean what mess left behind, to solve what predicaments arose...

I am the custodian of little things that go missing easily... eg. socks, minyak angin, mopiko, vicks, nail clippers... the list goes on.

I am the IT personnel in charge of installing (or re-installing) softwares and apps on new (or old) gadgets. I set up email accounts for the less IT savvy dude who refused to learn to do it himself. A phobia I can't comprehend.

I am also the keeper of everyone's passwords. And by everyone, I mean him. Not because I'm a control freak of a wife, but because I want to save myself the hassle of helping anyone retrieve lost passwords. You know how much of a hassle that is, right? Especially if it's not your account, and you have no concern for it other than the fact that it belongs to a loved one.

I am, obviously the chef too, who, for my own sake, refuse to give in to individual demands of family members for a particular favorite dish but cave in way too often and end up cooking a variety of dishes to suit everyone.

Top that up with the hormonal chaos that comes as you hit mid-40s like perimenopause, made worse with a history of anxiety disorder and depression... and the manifested physical aches and pains from these conditions... Well... all I can say is...

You have no idea.

Orang kurus pun ada story jugak uols

You think only chubby girls have it bad?

It's the exact same with skinny girls tau? Only difference is we're on the other tip of the scale.

Most people will avoid saying "you're so fat" to chubby girls, but a lot of people have no qualms whatsoever saying "you ni kurus sangat la, makan la lebih sikit" to skinny girls. Puih!

"Makan la lebih sikit" has the same negative impact on a skinny girl as "you need to eat less" to a chubby girl. 

NEGATIVE!

We hate these statements because abiding by them, no matter how religiously, don't work.

I can still clearly recall the public insults I got for being skinny, as if I don't have a face. As if I don't have value. Of course, these bitches will say they didn't mean it as an insult but imagine this...

Scenario 1

You're in a full elevator, it is peak hour. Semua orang nak balik cepat. Basically, it is a vertically moving sardine can. You're standing tightly to the wall on one corner minding your own business and suddenly from the opposite corner, fully audible to everyone... "Aznin! Cantik baju...tapi u ni kurus sangat la. U kena makan banyak sikit tau sebab tak elok la kurus sangat. Betul, akak cakap jujur ni. Kalau gemuk sikit lagi cantik." And then u, the victim, boleh rasa the blood draining from your face, the humiliation of being humiliated in the presence of friends and strangers, not to mention foes (puas la hati korang kan?). And then, yang lebih memalukan is when you notice these people looking at you noticing your vulnerability at being caught off guard. So off guard, that you don't even have a comeback line. You just stand there.

Wow! What a field day that bitch must've had, singly picking me out for some happy hour fun eh? Jujur eh? Jujur, my foot! If you do it with discretion, I'd consider that jujur. But this, this is bullying. Shame on you!

TU MULUT KE JAMBAN?

Scenario 2

You walk into office, your colleagues already at their desks and one kakak yang trigger happy tiba-tiba go like "Ya Allah kurusnya Aznin ni...macam rangka hidup. Azniiinn.... bukan nak cakap apa, tapi tak elok la. Makan la lebih sikit. Cer tengok tu..." sambil tengok you atas bawah and tambah sound effect "tsk tsk tsk" sambil geleng kepala.

Hek'elehh...

Ko buta eh? Yang aku tiap2 pagi makan nasi lemak 2 bungkus tu ko tak nampak? I don't remember myself asking for your opinion pun. Aku bukan cam kau, hadam sekut 2 keping pun boleh naik 1kg sejam.

Though these happened almost 20 years ago, I remember both these scenarios very well, because why? Because what they said hit right into my nerves, the core of me. They crushed my self-esteem, my confidence, my sense of self and made me hated my body. I was so emotionally affected that I can remember how it felt, even today. 

Tapi itu dulu lahh...

I'm wiser now. Words like that, though they still exist, don't bother me anymore. I have come to accept that this is how I'm supposed to be...I can't change it. It's in my genes, my DNA... it's me. When people make such comments, I would just politely smile and not say anything in defence. There is nothing to defend.

I'm all good.

They're just being insensitive, that's all.

We all have our struggles when it comes to ourselves. Some hate their body, some hate their hair, some hate their mouth, lips, voice, big feet, even skin colour. But we didn't get to choose all these, did we? We did not make a bad choice, so there shouldn't be any regrets. These were all given to our souls to use. 

Be thankful.

Jangan jadi hamba duit.

Salam dan selamat pagi.

Di pagi yang mendung dan suram ini, izinkan saya mengomel sedikit meluahkan rasa kurang setuju dan kurang puas hati yang bersarang di dalam dada.

Sebelum tu, biarlah saya awal2 buat disclaimer bahawa apa yang saya luahkan di sini hanyalah pandangan saya berdasarkan ilmu saya yang dangkal, berbekalkan akal yang alhamdulillah masih waras, dengan izinNya. Saya bukan ustazah, saya bukan alim, saya bukan warak dan solehah... tapi doa saya, biarlah perjalanan hidup saya menuju ke arah itu. Kalau bukan ustazah yang ada paper qualification pun, biarlah saya jadi ustazah kepada anak2. I try to make every day better than yesterday.

Al-kisah, semalam saya post satu link bergambar di FB. Gambar yang di ambil pada satu seminar MLM katanya. Dan dalam seminar ni, salah satu cara motivasi yang digunakan untuk merubah hidup menjadi jutawan ialah dengan mencium wang berkepok2.  See for yourself...

And then somehow, someone, somewhere sudah tersentap lah dengan my status and she commented like so...

I have to admit, I couldn't believe what I read. Agak tersentap lah jugak perasaan saya bila dia kata "go and verify yourself" dan "just go and then you can judge". Well, I just happen to have the opinion that this is the kind of stupidity that needs no verification, thank you very much.

Now, I don't know what your stand on this issue is, but mine is simple. You want to be rich, duit berkepok2, you work hard to achieve it. 

Usaha. Doa. Tawakkal.

Any average Muslim knows this. You don't sniff money to get the feel of money so that you'll attract money. "Ada doa dalam ciuman". What a load of crap. You are kissing what is notoriously known as THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL to "mengajar makin dekat hubungan dengan Allah"? How ironic!

Nampak tak permainan halus syaitan durjana di situ? Nampak tak?

Setahu saya yang dangkal ilmu ni, even mencium musyaf Al-Quran tu pun tidak ada dalam riwayat Rasulullah dan para sahabat, walaupun ada ulama berpendapat tak salah berbuat demikian kerana memuliakan kalam Allah. Then what's your excuse for kissing money? Memuliakan duit?

Have you not heard of a riwayat on Saidina Umar's stance on kissing any object when he kissed the Hajarul Aswad?

Saidina Umar bin Al-Khattab r.a telah memberi peringatan kepada seluruh umat Islam dari beriktikad bahawa terdapat sesuatu yang boleh memberi manfaat dan kemudaratan selain daripada Allah s.w.t. Terdapat riwayat di dalam kitab Sahih bahawa Saidina Umar bin Al-Khattab r.a pernah berkata: 

"Demi Allah! Sesungguhnya aku telah menyedari bahawa kamu hanyalah batu, tidak boleh memberi manfaat dan kemudaratan. Sekiranya aku tidak melihat Rasulullah s.a.w mengucupmu, tentu aku tidak akan mengucupmu."

So again, my question is, what is your excuse for kissing money?? It's just paper.

This act of kissing money to "berdoa" supaya dapat jadi jutawan is very superficial, in my opinion. What you want it rezeki, not money. And the type of rezeki that you want is yang berkat dan halalan toyyiban. There's a much bigger picture here.

Allah knows best what kind of rezeki you need. And trust me, you don't just need money.

You need health, you need family, you need a sound and peaceful mind.

You need friends, you need basic necessities for survival.

And you need iman.

All these are rezeki. You think money can attract all these rezeki if you have loads of them?

I highly doubt it.

Islam has given us many opportunities and ways to tarik rezeki. Banyak amalan2 murah rezeki yang kita boleh amalkan. Solat dhuha umpamanya, or bersedekah, memanjangkan silaturrahim etc. There are many and here are some to start with. Sorry to disappoint you, there's no object kissing in any of these amalans. Well ok, I take that back. Maybe there is... cium sejadah hehehe...

Selain itu, Allah dah bagi peluang berdoa. He's always there and ever ready to listen to you. Not only that, siap Allah bagi waktu2 mustajab berdoa lagi! Again, sorry, mencium duit sewaktu mengeluarkannya dari mesin ATM tak termasuk dalam waktu mustajab.

Okay, I think I've said enough to make my point. Cuma saya nak berpesan, janganlah terlalu taksub nak kaya sampai tersasar ke amalan2 yang boleh membawa kepada kesesatan dan lebih berat lagi, syirik. Na'udzubillah.

Kita dah ada ugama yang lengkap. Dig deeper into it. I'm sure you'll find something better than money. Something not even a warehouse full of money can buy. 

Duit is not the solution. But if you still insist, why not try this link?

D.U.I.T.

Doa. Usaha. Idea. Tawakkal.

Good luck!

May Allah bless us all. And I love you, sisters!

P.S. Segala yang baik datang dari Allah, yang buruk dari kelemahan saya sendiri. My apologies for all my shortcomings. Do correct me if you see any mistake, misinformation or misguidance in my posting above. Thank you.

~Nin~

One has to start somewhere, no?

Image thanks to : http://www.coolnsmart.com

Do you know, that feeling of satisfaction, pride and excitement you get when you've just accomplished something you had been planning to do and finally got to doing it?

That victorious, triumphant feeling of presenting to the world your FIRST and PIONEER effort, no matter how small it may seem to others but big to you?

Yeah, that feeling.

And how about that broken and defeated feeling you're left with when somebody had the audacity to publicly rain on your parade by showing you (and your friends) the same works of others implying that it's been done, and in better ways?

Yeah, that feeling...