Tengok wayang, gelabah, gigil, etc.

Ni nak bagi tau... sesiapa yang ada masalah kemurungan macam I, jangan gatal-gatal pegi tengok wayang citer Cinderella, hokay? Hahaha! Banyak babak-babak menyentuh perasaan gitu... kejap-kejap rasa nak meleleh airmata. Tapi I kena tahan you... sebab I pegi bawak my eldest daughter, HS dengan kawan-kawan dia 4 orang. Malu la nak nangis kan? Kang budak2 tu kata "over la aunty ni". Itu pun takpe lagi. Buatnya diorang balik citer kat mak-pak masing2, tak ke malu I? Tengok citer fairytale Disney pun nangis. Ngahahaha!

Anyway, just nak story. Sebenarnya malam sebelum tu I tak boleh tidur. Tak tau lah kenapa. Padahal mengantuk, menguap2 lagi tapi tak boleh lelap. Last2 dah dekat pukul 4 baru dapat lelap. Tu pun, dah nasib, 3 kali dikejutkan anak lepas tu. Rasa nak naik hangin tahap puting-beliung tapi sabar je lah. Redha. Tau-tau dah siang. Hmmph! Tak sampai 2 jam pun tidur. Tu pun putus2.

Mula lah nervous. Camno nak bawak budak2 ni tengok wayang ni? I tau, kalau I tak cukup tidur macam tu memang for sure I akan kena anxiety attack at some point. Tapi dah janji. Budak2 tu pun dah siap seawal pukul 9 pagi sedangkan kite dah pesan, aunty datang jemput antara pukul 10 dan 10:30. Tengok2 pukul 9 dah call, aunty kat mana? Sabor le yang oii... aunty baru nak breakfast!

Dek I tak yakin nak bawak budak2 tu tanpa seorang lagi orang dewasa teman, maka cik abang pun setuju nak temankan. Syukurrr sangat-sangat! Ye lah, nak bawak anak2 orang kan? Kang kalau apa2 jadi kang...

Nasib baik jugak la cik abang ikut. Sehabis2 je wayang lebih kurang pukul 1.15pm, I dah rasa nak kena anxiety attack. Sebabnya, perut kosong. I ni bukan jenis yang suka makan popcorn (atau apa2 saja) masa tengok wayang. Jadinya by the time wayang habis, perut dah pedih. Dan itulah suis anxiety attack I.

Dah rasa lain macam tapi I diamkan je. Ingat nak terus pi makan, dah la budak2 tu nak singgah toilet dulu. Maklum, masing2 dah tonggang iced lemon tea sebekas sorang, kantong dah takleh tampung hehehe. After all that, barulah we made our way ke ground floor cari tempat nak makan. Dalam kumpulan kawan2 anak I ni, ada sorang tu tak reti makan western so kitorang pun singgah la satu restoran malay cuisine ni. Orang ramai, but what did you expect? Hari Ahad. Weekend crowd.

I nak order cepat2. Budak2 ni belek menu macam tengok catalog... slow nye! Last2 I pun sound kat diorang, cepat sikit decide. Bila dah abis order, satu ujian plak menunggu makanan sampai. Lambatnyeee rasa. Sebenarnya takde lah lambat mana, reasonable lah kan orang ramai? Tapi I yg tengah bergelut dengan perasaan yang tak mampu dikawal ni, terasa tersangat laaahhh lambatnya. Tangan dah start gigil, mata dah rasa berpinar2, fikiran dah tak focus apa2 dah melainkan perasaan sendiri dan fikiran yang bercelaru. Ya Allah... help me!

Dan seperti kebiasaan kalau makan kedai "orang kita" (jangan sangkal sbb I dah byk kali kena ok? berlainan tempat tapi pe'el yg sama), hantar makanan tapi sudu garpunya tak hantar. I dah takleh tunggu so I pun bangun nak pi ambik sendiri lah konon sbb nampak macam ada tempat letak cutlery. Owhh... bukan rupanya. Dalam tu cuma ada senduk2 pelbagai rupa. Aarrghh! Mintak kat waiter. Waiter pun masuk dalam, sekejap lagi keluar dengan segenggam sudu-garpu. I pun happy, tapi ehh... dia singgah lak kat kaunter. Rupanya singgah nak lap dulu. Dia pun mulalah mengelap kesemua sudu dan garpu tu satu.... satu.... satu.... Aaaarrgghhhhh!! Cepat la bang oiii... aku dah gigil nak pitam dah rasanya ni.

Bila sudu sampai, I pun melompat lah amik, nak cepat2 isi perut sebelum kegelabahan ni menjadi bertambah serious. Tapi chup! Takleh makan lagi. Nak kena tolong carik2kan ayam utk anak I yg "special" itu dan jugak ayam dalam pinggan cik abang. Haa... sure you all heran, nape cik abang tak buat sendiri? Ni lah baru nak mention bahawa I bawak anak no.3 yg umur 4 tahun tu. Dia tak sehat tapi terpaksa bawak sbb dia clingy kalau sakit. Takut maid takleh handle. Kejam kan? Tapi terpaksa, sbb I pun ada penyakit. Ibarat telan mati mak, luah mati bapak. Anyway, dia nak berdokong sepanjang masa dengan ayahnya so ayahnya tak boleh nak guna both hands utk makan. So I lah yg terpaksa dulukan suami dan anak2.

Percaya tak? I potong2 dan carik2 ayam dengan tangan yang menggigil2. Kalau korang tak pernah tengok cemana org yang kena anxiety/panic attack, cer cari kat YouTube. Ramai gak diorang ni yang rekod dan upload keadaan diorang masa kena attack.

Last sekali, baru lah I dapat makan setelah settlekan semua orang. Biasa lah, kita mak2 ni memang selalu makan last kan? I suap makanan ke mulut dengan tangan yang bergegar2, heran jugak diorang sorang pun tak perasan my struggle time tu. Cik abang pun tak perasan. Lapor sangat kut.... husnuzon hahahah! Alhamdulillah, by the time habis makan, perasaan gelabah dan takut tu beransur2 hilang. Tapi tangan gigil tu lama jugak nak berenti. Masa berangkat dari kedai makan tu, tangan I masih menggigil2.

I dah sabar2 nak balik sebenarnya. Syukur ada alasan kukuh, si kecik tak sehat. Walaupun sebenarnya mak si kecik tu yang tak sehat, tak sabar2 nak balik berehat. Fyi, hampir semua org yang ada GAD (General Anxiety Disorder) ni tak suka tempat2 awam terutama yang ramai orang. Sekejap boleh, tapi akan sampai satu tahap yang I akan rasa yang I must go back to my own comfy zone where I can be myself. Walaupun sekadar duduk dalam kereta dekat parking lot! Rasanya bila dah masuk kereta tu lah baru tangan I berhenti menggigil. Dah lega sbb dah masuk familiar surrounding dan tak payah buat2 ok. Phew!

Maka berangkatlah kami menghantar budak2 tu balik ke rumah masing2 mcm van sekolah dah rasa. Tapi ada lagi ujian menunggu, one of them muntah dalam kereta. Elok2 sampai rumah dia plak tu. Kalau I cepat 10 saat je sikit, mungkin dia boleh muntah kat luar, not in the car. Geram lah jugak sbb kalau dah rasa mual2, nape tak cakap? Boleh la bagi plastik atau berenti tepi jalan muntah kat luar kan? Tapi takkan nak marah anak orang plak kan? Ni misti kes minum chocolate milk shake kat restoran tadi. Haishh!

Satu kerja lah pulak kami membersihkan kereta kat tepi jalan tu. Mujur ada bawa wet tissue, dan teramat syukur ada cik abang sayang I. Sebab without him, tak tau lah cemana nak bersihkan kereta tu sbb I ni jenis tak boleh tengok org muntah, apatah lagi muntahnye tu. I pun boleh termuntah dibuatnya tau. Karpet yg terkena muntah tu kami lap ala2 kadar je dgn wet tissue, lepas tu pindahkan masuk ke boot kereta. Taknak terbau... kang muntah I youuuuu! Tunggu balik rumah je lah pancut dengan air.

By the end of the day, setelah ke-empat2 anak2 orang tu kami hantar pulang, I rasa tersangat lega dan lapang dada. Baru lah mood improve sikit. Sebelum tu memang rasa nak telan orang je tapi cover dgn muka manis. Taknak spoil the outing with my foul mood. Kesian budak2 tu nanti esp. my daughter.

Rasanya in future, nak organise lagi tak outing gini? Of course! Demi anak pompuan I yang truly special itu. This disease is my battle, not hers. Why should she have to pay for it kan? Cuma satu je... taknak lagi bawak budak yang muntah tu. Hahahahah! Gurau je... diorang 5 sekawan, takkan nak exclude sorang plak.

I'm not mean. I'm kind, like that.

The [Not So] Great Pretender

Motherhood is tough.

And for weak, whiny me, it is much tougher.

How do some women make it look so easy?? Are they always ever so healthy and cheerful? Do they really have time to pamper themselves? Cause some of them looked, well... pampered.

Let me just admit it straight and frank, how it is for me on most days.

There is an average of 30 days in a month. Out of that, at least one whole week of each month is a goner. That would be the time when Aunt Flo comes visiting, and she's one hell of an imposing visitor. I'd be down and weak, bloated and in pain most of the time that the only thing I want to do is lie down and never have to get up for anything. For anything! It is the time when I wish for meals in bed, and that toilet visits can be put off indefinitely! It is a time of abdominal pains, backaches and foul moods. And little sleep too, cause these pains seem to worsen at night.

Of course, meals in bed is just wishful thinking. Not having someone send me meals, almost always result in me delaying taking them and that, in turn, would trigger my gastritis. I would then be dealing with heartburn and more bloating (masuk angin la tu kan?). More pain, yeay!!

As if that's not enough, if you know what heartburn is like, if it gets too bad, it even makes it difficult for you to breathe. You'd feel short of breath and that, ladies and gentlemen, would then set off my anxiety to an overdrive. That's when racing hearts, shaky hands and butter fingers come into the picture, and finally, the climax of the show....anxiety attacks and thoughts of myself dying. Thoughts of DYING. M.A.T.I. How fun is that?

So from a whole week of dealing with AF, I would normally take another 4-5 days or so afterwards to recover from the gastric and anxiety attacks. Let me tell you people, anxiety and panic attacks can shake you to the core! If you have never experienced it, pray that you never will. No matter how much I've learned about it, every attack would still lead me to believe that this is my final moment of life.

Now this whole pattern has been recurring every month for... geez... I don't know how long. Years, at least. And recently, after discovering that I have a thyroid goiter, my anxiety has gotten worse. I had been out of depression for many years before. I was doing pretty well managing my anxiety without medication. But now, I am back on medication and despite that, depression is seeping in. Not cool.

Depression is not cool.

It's a feeling of doom and hopelessness. A feeling of inadequacy, self-disgust, and loneliness. Feeling unwanted and hated. Feeling negatively judged, never good enough to be anybody's company. Feeling like everybody is ganging up against you. And guilt.

Guilt, guilt, guilt.

Feeling like you are in a separate world of your own. A lonely one.

Depression drains your energy that even waking up in the morning is hard cause you don't feel rested. If it was up to me, I'd be in bed all day. You cry easily, and I've cried every, single day since the depression set in. I have no explanation on why I cried other than the fact that I don't feel good about myself. I don't feel happy. This, despite ALL the crystal clear blessings around me that I am very much aware of.

And do you know what the worst part is? It is putting up the charade that you're all fine and dandy. Presenting the facade of confidence, having all things under complete control. When the truth is, you can feel yourself crumbling inside from the pressures of keeping up with all the pretensions that are not you.

So this is my struggle, every single day. It's one or the other. On days that I can drive in and out running errands, that would be a good day. On any weekends that I can join my family for an outing to the movies or the swimming pool, that would be twice better. But good and better days don't come often. I've had times when I was not feeling well enough (that also means, brave enough) to do any shopping that we totally ran out of food in the fridge. And with much guilt, I had to give my children eat instant noodles. There were also times when I stayed in my room all day that I only saw my children once in the morning, and didn't see them again later in the evening. I left them the whole time with my maid. I'm a homemaker, but homemaking I am not. 

I've also had times of total meltdown where my family was on the receiving end. I've always had a short fuse to begin with, that I admit. But in recent years, I began to notice that I no longer get angry. I get crazy mad followed with a meltdown. I would come out of the episode feeling defeated and extremely guilty for putting my family through all that childishness. But trust me when I say that, sometimes, I just couldn't hold it in.

Wow! Enough confession for now eh?

So back to my first question... how do these seemingly perfect mothers do it? Are they really good at what they do?

Or are they better pretenders?

The Good Son

This is about my wiser-than-his-age son who turns 9 today.

Just 2 nights ago (or was it 3? #foggybrainme) I had a long talk with my son, UZ. But before I start, let me just give a little background of the story.

You see, as I have mentioned in a previous posting, I have GAD. Because of the stress and depression that normally comes with GAD, many people with GAD have a bit of a problem controlling their emotions. And for most of us, anger is the hardest to deal with. For me, I have always had a short fuse to begin with, and this is not unknown within my family circle. Top that up with GAD, I evolve into a different creature altogether lol!

But jokes aside, despite knowing that this would affect my family negatively, I failed many times to keep my temper in check. My kids get scolded regularly. And UZ, being the eldest boy (he has an older sister HS who is within the 'kelainan upaya' category so she gets away with a lot of things), gets most of the the backlashes. I know this, I am very much aware of this, believe me, I've tried so hard... but it is a struggle for me. That, I have to admit.

I struggle with patience, I struggle with putting things into perspective, I struggle with the inability to not sweat the small stuff,  I struggle with my own self-confidence and self-esteem. Trust me, there are many personal struggles within me that if I were to describe how my thoughts are inside my head.... it's like a war zone. A loud, ear-piercing, non-stop battlefield. And I am always living "internally" as oppose to "externally". And that is as frankly as I can put it.

So, back to this conversation with my son... we were getting ready for bedtime and got into small talks. Then he asked me things like "what do you feel when you're angry?", "why are you always angry?" and so on, and so on (tak ingat lah the exact questions but something like those lah). So I told him about my illness, GAD (and thyroid issues, believe it or not?) and that these diseases disrupt my hormones that control a lot of things in my body, including my emotions. And as such, when I get angry over small matters, these hormone imbalance amplifies that anger to a point that sometimes, I just couldn't hold it in. And sadly, I tend to lash out at the people closest to me. My family.

He nodded in a thoughtful thinking expression kind of way. I couldn't tell if he understood me, or if any of these make sense to a 9-year-old. Then I admitted to him that it was a bad habit of mine, and I can't simply justify it with some annoying disease. I must change. I must not TRY to change. I MUST change.

Then I assured him that my being angry at him does not make me love him any less. I told him that I love him immeasurably and that he has no idea how much. UZ is a soft-hearted, sensitive boy. I saw him held back tears while he nodded. I'm a mother, I know exactly the kind of face my boy pulls when he's trying not to cry, and this was THE face. He wouldn't admit it, of course. But I know.

I asked him to tell me whatever was in his mind, to let it all out. I'm all ears, I said. And he proceeded to list out 3 things he wants me to change...

1. To stop scolding him and his siblings (unnecessarily, we later established).
2. To never be harsh with his younger siblings ever again. "They're just kids, they don't know anything". That's what he said.
3. To never argue with dad cause it makes me sad and unhappy.

The thing with me and my better half is that we almost always see things from different angles and we would argue to support our views. It isn't a fight or a squabble, just arguments which sometimes can be quite loud. And then it ends, and that's all there is to it. Just 2 stubborn individuals wanting to win an argument lol! We instantly get back to life and love, like nothing happened. Little did we know that this has been affecting my son negatively.

I made my pledge and we talked a little bit more before we call it a night.

Before our goodnights, I asked him one last question, "Sayang mama tak?"

To that, he answered, "Of course, you're my mother."

And I went to sleep with tears rolling down my cheeks.

Happy birthday, son. 

Mama loves you in ways you can never imagine.

Gratitude Journal #1 - Loving Family

Alhamdulillah...

 Apart from the obvious basic necessities like food, shelter, family (which of course, I am thankful for), there are countless other blessings that we sometimes take for granted.

This is just the start of a hopefully regular postings to remind me one of the many, many, tak terhingga banyaknya blessings that Allah has bestowed upon me.

Just ONE thing/event that affects me in a positive way, every day. I hope to look back on these postings in darker times and be reminded that the good far outweighs the bad.

So today, I am touched by a gesture by my eldest daughter (who is going to be 10 next month, and who I consider as a miracle and a determined fighter. I'll tell you about her in my future postings insyaAllah).

I came home this afternoon from running errands to find this posted on the outside of the main door to our house.

It's a welcome home note for her father who has been away for 3 days and will be coming back home later this afternoon (safely, insyaAllah).

In case the writing is not so legible to you, it says, "We love you and we miss you dad"

Nak terkucil airmata I tau...

You may wonder how a 10-year-old's writing look like a 6-year-old's. But for me, this is a reminder of how far she has come and how much we, as a family, has endured.

It's a reminder that no matter how bleak the future had seem to us then, it can be turned around with determination, hard work, love and lots of doa. Without His love and mercy, none of this could've happened.

So this, my friends, is what I am eternally grateful for. The blessing of a family who love each other enough, to beat the odds.

Peace!

Jom minum Iemon water!

Macam pelik jek bunyi, "air lemon" hehehe. Lemon water lah kalau speaking London. Sejak kebelakangan ni, memang banyak akak jumpa artikel2 tentang kebaikan air lemon ni lalu tergeraklah hati nak cuba, try test keberkesannya. Air lemon tau, bukan lemonade atau lemon ais atau teh ais limau. No, no, no. Hanya jus lemon dan air suam, tanpa gula, diminum setiap pagi setengah jam sebelum sarapan.

Akak dah start amalkan dah, setiap pagi minum, baru lebih-kurang seminggu, hik! Setakat ni belum lah nampak apa2 perubahan yang ketara melainkan rasa segar dan bertenaga sikit. Akak ni pagi2 memang selalu lemau, sebab anxiety satu hal, sebab tak cukup tidur pun ye jugak. Maklum lah, anak2 tengah umur 2-4 tahun ni kan suka bangun malam. Ada yg nak susu, ada yang saja2 bangun panggil kite pastu tidur balik. Nak check la tu, mama ada ke tak dalam bilik. Hishh!

Anyway, ada jugak terbaca yang air lemon di walaupun pada anggapan kita ianya bersifat berasid (acidic) , tetapi dalam badan kita ia bertukar menjadi alkali akibat tindak-balas yang berlaku di dalam badan lalu meningkatkan pH dalam badan kita. Katanya, lagi tinggi pH dalam badan, lagi tinggi keupayaan imunisasi badan kita untuk melawan penyakit. Gitu. (Nota : Pssst... takyah lah susah2 beli mesin penapis air alkali mahal2 yang ada di pasaran ittewww hewhewhew....)

Apa2 pun, meh kita tengok senarai kebaikan minum air lemon setiap pagi ini. Senarai ini akak dapat dari Living Traditionally, dan akak cuba sebaik mungkin translate ke bahasa Melayu untuk adik2 dan kakak2 yang kurang faham bahasa Inggeris. Sorry lah ye kalau susunan bahasa tu tak berapa nak sedap di baca. Al-maklum, kita bukan sasterawan heeee!

20 Sebab Mengapa Anda Patut Minum Air Lemon Setiap Pagi.

Kerana...

1. Mengandungi elektrolit yang menghidrasikan tubuh badan seperti potassium, kalsium dan magnesium dalam kadar yang tinggi.
2. Baik untuk sendi, kerana mampu mengurangkan kesakitan pada sendi dan otot.
3. Membantu penghadaman kerana ia mengandungi asid sitrik (citric acid). Asid sitrik ini bertindak-balas dengan enzim dan asid lain di dalam tubuh lalu memudahkan perembesan jus gastrik yang membantu pencernaan.
4. Hati menghasilkan lebih banyak enzim dari air lemon berbanding mana-mana makanan lain. Enzim ini penting untuk dalam menghasilkan tindakbalas di dalam hati dalam proses membuang toksin di dalam badan.
5. Dapat mencuci hati (Nota : hati organ ye, bukan hati perasaan huhuhu... ) kerana ia menggalakkan hati membuang toksin.
6. Berupaya melawan jangkitan saluran pernafasan, sakit kerongkong dan radang tonsil kerana air lemon mempunyai ciri-ciri anti-radang (anti-inflammatory).
7. Membantu pemprosesan semulajadi usus (regulate bowel movement, i.e. senang buang air besar lah maknanya tu).
8. Sangat berkesan dalam mengawal metabolisme semulajadi tubuh secara berkesan. Memandangkan lemon juga mempunyai ciri-ciri anti-oksidan yang kuat, ia melindungi tubuh daripada radikal bebas dan memantapkan sistem imun (immune) badan.
9. Membantu sistem saraf (nervous system) berfungsi sepatutnya. Kemurungan (depression) dan keresahan (anxiety) sering berpunca dari kekurangan potassium di dalam darah. Sistem saraf memerlukan potassium yang mencukupi untuk menghantar signal yang mencukupi untuk jantung berfungsi.
10. Membersihkan darah, saluran darah dan arteri.
11. Dapat menurunkan tekanan darah tinggi. Dengan meminum air lemon dalam kadar sebiji lemon sehari boleh menurunkan tekanan sebanyak 10%.
12. Menghasilkan kesan alkali dalam badan. Walaupun anda meminum air lemon sejurus sebelum makan, ia masih mampu mengekalkan tahap pH yang tinggi di dalam badan. Lebih tinggi tahap pH di dalam badan, lebih tinggi kemampuan tubuh melawan penyakit.
13. Ia sangat bagus untuk kulit. Vitamin C yang terkandung di dalam lemon boleh mengelokkan kulit dengan mengembalikan kesegaran tubuh. Dengan meminum air lemon setiap hari, kulit akan semakin cantik.
14. Membantu mencairkan asid urik di dalam tubuh. Asid urik yang dibiarkan terkumpul adalah punca sakit sendi dan gout.
15. Sangat baik untuk ibu2 yang hamil. Kandungan vitamin C di dalam lemon bertindak sebagai adaptogen yang membantu badan melawan virus, seperti selsema. Vitamin C juga membantu pembentukan tisu tulang bayi di dalam kandungan. Selain itu, kandungan potassium yang tinggi di dalam lemon juga berguna untuk membentuk sel-sel otak dan sistem saraf bayi.
16. Melegakan pedih ulu hati (heartburn). Caranya, minum setengah gelas air yang dicampur sesudu teh lemon. (Nota : Sejak minum air lemon ni memang akak perasan belum lagi kena heartburn walaupun kadang2 terlambat makan, padahal I ada gastritis you!)
17. Membantu melarutkan batu karang, batu pankreas dan deposit kalsium. Deposit kalsium adalah keadaan di mana tubuh yang tidak mendapat kalsium yang mencukupi melalui pemakanan lalu ia mengambil kalsium tulang. Jika dibiarkan berlarutan, deposit kalsium yang terkumpul di tisu dan organ badan boleh menyumbang kepada penyakit osteoporosis, sakit jantung dan beberapa penyakit lain.
18. Membantu menurunkan berat badan. Lemon mempunyai serat pektin (pectin fiber) yang dapat menurunkan selera makan. Kajian telah membuktikan bahawa tubuh yang beralkali dapat menurunkan berat badan dengan kadar yang lebih cepat.
19. Dapat membantu mengurangkan sakit gigi dan menghentikan pendarahan akibat radang gusi (gingivitis)
20. Mencegah barah/kanser. Ini adalah kerana air lemon bersifat alkali. Banyak kajian yang mendapati sel-sel barah tidak boleh "hidup" di dalam persekitaran yang bersifat alkali.

Ok. Akak pasti ramai yang suka sangat item no. 18 tu kan? Hahaha! Anyway, bagaimana nak minum lemon water ni?

Cara minum air lemon

Perah setengah biji lemon, dan tuangkan ke dalam segelas air suam. Godek-godek lah sikit, selawat dan minum. Minum setiap pagi sebaik bangun tidur (maknanya first thing in the morning lah tu), setengah jam atau sejam sebelum sarapan.

Semoga istiqamah =)

-Nin-

Aku dan Anxiety.

Remember in my previous posting, I ada mentioned about myself yang "jarang2 good mood"? Let me tell you why...

I have a mental illness that is known as general anxiety disorder (GAD). Bukan lah I ni gilo, semata2 sebab ada perkataan "mental" kat situ kan? Hahaha.

Kalau uol tak pernah dengar tentang penyakit ni, let me tell you what it's like. Pernah tak uol dalam situasi yang mana uol perlu bagi ucapan atau presentation? Atau pun sementara tunggu turn nak jumpa dentist sebab confirm ada satu gigi ni kena cabut? Apa perasaan masa tu? Nervous, gelabah, jantung dup-dap, dup-dap tak hengat kan? Kadang2 tapak tangan siap berpeluh2 lagi. Nak berborak pun takde mood sebab sibuk melayan perasaan yang risau tu. Tapi what happens selepas dah selesai urusan2 yang tersebut? Rasa lega tak tau nak habaq lagu mana... kan?

Sekarang bayangkan perasaan nervous yang uol rasa sebelum tu tak surut2. Tidak ada episode lega. Nervooouuuusss je memanjang. Dan uol sendiri tak tau apa puncanya. Hati berdebar2, perasaan risau/bimbang tak boleh nak dilenyapkan, rasa cemas, bernafas pun tak puas rasa tercungap2, kadang2 rasa nak pitam pun ada. Fikiran pulak asyik occupied dengan keadaan diri... nape dada aku rasa sempit ni? Heart attack ke? Kalau apa2 jadi ni kang dengan siapa aku nak mintak tolong? Risau, risau, risau.

Inilah yang dilalui oleh orang yang ada anxiety disorder, hampir sepanjang masa. Bayangkan. Bayangkan how exhausting it is. Ia sesuatu yang sangat melelahkan sebab tiada penghujung. Bagi kebanyakan pengidap, masa depan terasa tersangatlah kelam. Disebabkan itulah, kebanyakan pengidap juga mengalami kemurungan (depression).

For me personally, I think I have been through the worst. Pernah kena panic attack sampai hospitalised 3 hari. Ingatkan dah sampai ajal huhuhu... Hari2 (melarat ke bulan2 sebenarnya) selepas panic attack tu adalah hari2 yang sangat menakutkan. Kadang2 dek terlampau cemas, I pernah telefon suami suruh balik NOW cause I was having a meltdown. Dan cik abang sayang pun bergegas2lah pulang, semata2 nak provide comfort and support. Kadang2, just having someone you trust hold your hand is all it takes to calm down. Most of the time lah.

Depression then followed. Bagaimanakah kemurungan ini dimanifestasikan dalam kehidupan I? Haa... pagi2 celik2 mata dah rasa takde tenaga, kalau boleh nak berkampung atas katil je sehari-suntuk. Tak mahu bercampur dengan orang, lebih suka menyendiri di dalam bilik buat hal sendiri e.g baca buku, internet etc. And I have done it. Tak keluar bilik, jadinya... tak masak, makan pun apa yang sempat je sebab nak cepat2 masuk bilik balik. Nasib baik lah masa tu ada maid, so rumah tak lah terbengkalai sebab ada orang uruskan. Kalau tidak, I'm pretty sure kain-baju akan bertimbun, rumah tak berkemas etc. Ini under medication ni, dalam rawatan pakar psikologi. Bayangkan orang yang tak mendapatkan rawatan...

Ini cerita 13 tahun dulu. When I was at my lowest point. Dah 13 tahun jadi penghidap. Ada ketika yang I rasa dah pulih, tapi jadi balik. Pendek kata, it comes in cycles. And at this point of time, I sedang lagi sekali melalui episod yang tak best ini. Sekurang2nya, selepas 13 tahun, I am more informed and therefore, wiser. Tapi still, kadang2 kalah juga dengan simptom2 anxiety, yang I tak reti nak describe how dreadful they are melainkan uol yang melaluinya sendiri. It's horrible!

I read that ada yang mengidap penyakit ni melalui keturunan, and I think this is the case with me. Arwah ayah I dulu memang ada tanda2 yang I nampak tapi masa dulu mana lah orang ada kesedaran nak dapatkan rawatan penyakit2 mental macam ni kan? Kalau sebut penyakit mental, orang terus imagine Hospital Bahagia. Oh tidakk...

I hope, none of my children inherit this disease. Tak sanggup nak bayangkan anak sendiri melalui semua yang I lalui ni.

Cukuplah setakat ini dulu pendedahan I mengenai my battle with anxiety and depression. Kepada penghidap2 di luar sana, ketahuilah, you are not alone. There is treatment, there is hope. Tapi at the same time, kita kenalah redha dan sabar atas ujian-Nya.

Take care.

Kisah semalam.

Semalam...

Tergerak hati nak check "Other" folder dalam FB messages. Biasalah, ramai jejaka-jejaka perkasa hantar message salam perkenalan gitu. Ai rasa uols pun biasa dapat kan? Tapi ingat, jangan layan k? Semua tu indah khabar dari rupa je tu... Tah gambar profile sapa dicurinya. Ramai sangat penyangak2 macam ni berkeliaran di alam maya. Adik2 especially, jangan cepat terpengaruh k? Anyway, sambung balik cerita asal, dalam banyak2 message tu, ada lah satu message dari sorang adik ni...

Haaa... terkezut ai. As you can see, message tu dihantar sejak bukan Feb lagi. Baru semalam ai baca. And to be honest, it kinda made my day =).

Tak tau lah komen yang mana satu yang terkesan di hati adik ni sebab ai memang banyak buat komen2 online. Kadang2 sependapat dengan poster, kadang2 bercanggah. Tapi walau apa pun, always, always remember to fight fair dan jangan lupa adab kita. No bad words, no cursing, no maki-hamun, no racist remarks... gitu. And please, jangan kutuk2 agama lain. Nabi pun dah pesan, jangan hina kepercayaan orang lain kerana nanti mereka akan membalas dengan menghina agama kita pulak. Kalau pun orang yang bercanggah pendapat dengan kita tu beri pendapat yang bernas, jangan ego. Terima pendapat dia. You don't have to agree on his beliefs and opinions on the issue at hand, let him hold on to his, and you yours. In the end, agree to disagree and stay in peace. Jangan cari musuh online.

Habis satu bab. Moving on.

Semalam...

Lepas baca message kat atas tu tadi, tetiba ai rasa macam good mood sikit lah kan. Fyi, ai ni memang jarang2 merasa good mood. Kenapa? Nanti lain posting ai story you ok? Mula2 teragak2 nak keluar dengan keluarga tapi akhirnya mengalah jugak... keluar je lah. Spend time dengan keluarga. Anak sulong, HS nak tengok wayang Sponge Bob. Kalau ikutkan ai nak tengok Avengers tapi takkan nak split2 plak kan? Tak syok la. So that's how I got stuck in the theater for one and half hours watching Sponge Bob. Apakahhh??? Macam tak percaya. The things we do for our kids!

Frankly, ai pun bukannya concentrate sangat tengok wayang tu. Sebab tak minat dan sibuk memerhati di kecik 2 orang yang tak reti duduk diam. We occupied 7 seats, dan budak bertuah 2 orang ni sambil tengok wayang sambil jalan kulu-kilir hujung ke hujung. Dalam gelap. Camno I nak rilek2 tengok wayang? Tapi dalam samar2 cahaya dari screen tu, ai nampak my maid berdekah2 ketawa ngalahkan anak2 ai. Berbulewww je ai tengok tau. Tapi takpelah, kasi chan.

Demikianlah kisah semalam. Alhamdulillah, syukur kepada Yang Esa for all his blessings. Can't ask for more.

=)